A new monetary system: The NVC Pain Exchange (NVCPE)

Over my twelve years of learning, practicing and sharing Nonviolent Communication (NVC), I have noticed some common tendencies in NVC communities.

With some degree of trepidation (which I will explain in a moment), I suggest that one of these tendencies is what I playfully refer to as the, "NVC Pain Exchange (NVCPE)."

This is a playful variation of the "New York Stock Exchange (NYSE)," a famous entity for trading and valuing stocks, bonds and other financial products.

The NVC Pain Exchange enables and perpetuates groups of people to get together and recycle and exchange pain with each other, all in the name of compassion.

Here is a common scene: People experience NVC and are deeply moved by it. Many of them -- and this includes myself -- have never before received genuine empathy or non-judgmental presence from others.

Naturally, these people develop relationships with each other in community, and seek each other out to offer empathy to one another about challenging and painful experiences they have had.

So far, so good. After all, I regard empathy as one of the most powerful abilities we have as human beings, in terms of being able to make in impact on the lives of others.

Sometimes, however, a little problem begins to develop: people who get together to offer each other empathy can get locked in their "pain bodies," as described by Eckhart Tolle (author of "The Power of Now" and, "A New Earth").

Tolle describes the pain body as "an accumulated pain that becomes a negative energy field that occupies your body and mind. The pain body wants to survive, just like every other entity in existence, and it can only survive if it gets you to unconsciously identify with it. It can then rise up, take you over, "become you," and live through you. It needs to get its "food" through you. It will feed on any experience that resonates with its own kind of energy, anything that creates further pain in whatever form: anger, destructiveness, hatred, grief, emotional drama, violence, and even illness."

Uh-oh.

This is what I meant about recycling, recirculating and exchanging pain under the guise of being compassionate and offering empathy to one another.

Using empathy as a catalyst for transformation of that which ails us is one thing; recirculating the pain (often by telling and re-telling the same old stories) with, and through, each other is yet another thing.

As Tolle suggests, the pain body thrives when we gather together and share our drama with each other! (at least without the explicit intention of transformation)


A Holistic, rather than Dualistic, Relationship to Needs

All of this further reminds me of the difference in holding needs in a dualistic vs. a holistic structure.

Often times, we refer to needs as being "unmet," with which pain and suffering is the automatic byproduct. Even when we receive empathy from others or ourselves about the unmet needs, if we are still in the dualistic construct of "met" versus "unmet" needs, the relief will most likely be temporary.

Instead, I encourage people to see needs non-dualistically, or holistically. A place where there is no "either-or", "good-bad", or even "better-worse."

If we are genuinely connected with the energy of our needs, we are in the flow of life itself. There isn't really any such thing as "unmet needs," per se.

As Dominic Barter, NVC trainer and creator of Restorative Circles, explains, needs are, "that inevitably produced by the nature of things, so that the contrary is impossible."

The contrary is impossible, which I take to mean that there is really no such thing as "unmet needs."

How could something that is inherently whole by its' very nature be non-whole?

A similar question: "How could we human beings see ourselves as anything less than whole beings? How could we see ourselves as anything less than spiritual beings having a human experience?"

I suspect that these questions are all related to each other!


Challenges with the NVC Pain Exchange

Another difficulty with the "Pain Exchange" is that while it might be OK if the expressed purpose of a gathering is to offer empathy to each other (e.g. an "Empathy Circle"), it quickly becomes exasperating for people who come to a business meeting where the goal is to get something accomplished.

This is a common challenge in NVC communities, as far as I can tell -- people come with different expectations of what will be occurring at a particular gathering.

Some people come with the expectation that empathy will be the primary focus, and that whenever anyone in the group experiences the slightest bit of discomfort about anything, the group stops whatever it's doing and offers that person empathy.

And then, if another person is triggered, offer them empathy until they "feel better." Before long, however, the very act of stopping progress in the meeting and offering empathy triggers those who come with the expectation that the focus of the gathering will be forward movement on projects.

And then, we see the breakdown of the meeting, people being in even more pain, and most everyone departing frustrated and discouraged about what happened.

Sometimes, I hear one person say something to the effect of, "Look, we can't just sit around and offer each other empathy; we need to get some things done here!"

To which another person responds, "But that's not NVC! That's just like they do it in corporate America! The reason I came to NVC is because we're more compassionate than that!"

My trepidation in bringing forward this dynamic that I see is about wanting to be seen for my real intention, and for acceptance.

I fear that people reading this post will have similar reactions as the above example. Something like, "Geez, Jeff is an NVC trainer? He's not very compassionate. He should be more compassionate to people who are in pain! After all, I'm sure he's been in pain before. I doubt he would want people analyzing and diagnosing him. He would probably want empathy! What is he trashing empathy for, anyway?"

Assuming that this is actually my inner voice projecting this -- which is almost always the case -- then I suppose I feel torn about this post and wishing for more understanding and insight into this phenomenon.

Which is why I posted this on a blog... so that you could comment!

So what do you think about what I've written here? Anything you'd care to share?

Jeff's long-awaited ease in offering NVC training

Miraculously and with grace, I am experiencing a long-awaited ease and self-acceptance in offering Compassionate Communication (NVC) training with others.

I have been facilitating NVC events since 2003, and have led trainings literally hundreds of times with all kinds of audiences.

Most of those experiences included some degree of angst and "efforting" within myself to embody the consciousness I was attempting to share with others.

As I write this, I am facilitating a 3 1/2 day NVC Dance Floors training in Denver, CO, and experiencing total ease on the first day of the training.

And the ease comes not because it's "going well" by conventional measures -- in other words, I don't feel ease because people are giving me positive feedback, or because they are understanding what I am presenting.

It's an internal experience not directly related to external feedback. Somehow, some way -- and I have no need whatsoever to cognitively understand why -- I am in total acceptance of myself, of others, and what happens in this training experience.

Paradoxically, of course, this is probably creating more connection and a more "effective" training, judged in terms of embodiment and how my living of the consciousness is being transmitted to others.

Celebration!

Blocks to receiving appreciation from others

Is it sometimes difficult for you to receive expressions of appreciation from other people?

Do you have resistance or reluctance to fully "taking it in" and allowing the nourishing energy of gratitude wash over you and energize you?

Check out this 8-minute video clip from a recent NVC training, "An Attitude of Gratitude" on March 11-12, 2011 in Columbus, Ohio.



For me, I notice a few common themes for why it's been hard for me to receive others' expressions of gratitude.

One is shame. In order to receive another person's gratitude about me fully and authentically, I need to encounter my own divinity and inherent value as a human being.

That's something that's challenging when many of the subliminal messages I've given to myself over the years are negative and focus on what I deem in wrong, bad and stupid about myself. (my inner critic can be ferocious!)

Another reason is because I fear that the other person is "buttering me up" by slathering some skin-deep gratitude, in preparation for asking me to do something I probably don't want to do.

I can think of a few times when they've been successful, and I ended up agreeing to do something and hated myself -- and the other person -- for agreeing to do it. Thus, I can be vigilant about checking out the other person's motivation in appreciating me.

Watch the video above to learn more reasons, and comment below after you watch it!

Most exciting practical application of NVC ever

During the eleven years I have been studying and practicing Nonviolent Communication (NVC), I have never encountered a practical application of NVC more promising to me than Dominic Barter's Restorative Circles.



Dominic, one of my colleagues as a Certified Trainer with the Center for Nonviolent Communication, has developed and tested a process for creating a place for people to have conflict with each other without the typical distraction of violence.

Yes, that's right -- a place to have conflict! ...because much of what we tolerate, Dominic suggests, is to withhold and suppress our needs and that's why conflict eventually escalates into some form of violence.

A Restorative Circle is a community process for supporting those in conflict. It brings together the three parties to a conflict – those who have acted, those directly impacted and the wider community – within an intentional systemic context, to dialogue as equals. Participants invite each other and attend voluntarily. The dialogue process used is shared openly with all participants, and guided by a community member. The process ends when actions have been found that bring mutual benefit.

Restorative Circles are facilitated in 3 stages designed to identity the key factors in the conflict, reach agreements on next steps, and evaluate the results. As a circle form, they invite shared power, mutual understanding, self-responsibility and effective action.


Learn more here.

Evocative Coaching: Transforming Schools One Conversation at a Time

A new resource is available for those working with classroom teachers and school leaders. Written by Bob & Megan Tschannen-Moran, Evocative Coaching: Transforming Schools One Conversation at a Time (Jossey-Bass, 2010), incorporates the principles of Appreciative Inquiry into the process of one-on-one coaching for personal and professional development.

The Evocative Coaching model works with Story Listening, Expressing Empathy, Appreciative Inquiry, and Design Thinking to move educators beyond old ways of thinking, doing, and being. It inspires and invigorates educators with the passion for making schools better, one conversation at a time.

David Cooperrider had this to say about the book: “If you could choose only one inspiring and resource-filled book on coaching, what do you suppose it would be? For me the answer is right here. Evocative Coaching is a gem; it’s something that should be read by anyone involved in a helping profession—and that’s everyone!”

For more information about the book and the coach training program based upon the book, visit www.SchoolTransformation.com

Unique Assumptions of Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) begins by assuming that we are all compassionate by nature and that violent strategies -- whether verbal or physical -- are learned behaviors taught and supported by the prevailing culture.

It also assumes that we all share the same basic human needs, and that all actions are strategies to meet one or more of these needs.

Source: "Key Facts about Nonviolent Communication," by PuddleDancer Press

When to Kill People to Increase the Peace

I've been doing some healing work lately as a result of an experience I had last May in St. Louis where I was held up at gunpoint by two young men late at night, in front of the home I was then living in.



My counselor was using a process known as EMDR, and what came forward in me during that process was a desire to physically beat those men who robbed me, and furthermore hurt them so bad that they could never threaten me, or anyone else, ever again.

I also remembered reading something by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication, in response to the 9/11 attacks in New York City. I looked it up on his organization's website, and he wrote,

"To create short-term safety, we will need to protect ourselves from further threat. This may include actions taken in, what I call, the “protective use of force.” We may need to capture and imprison the perpetrators so that they cannot attack us again. And we may even have to kill some of them if we can't otherwise restrain them."

I resonated with this statement, and it gave me companionship to know that even a world-famous peacemaker would write such things.

For me, I am so committed to peaceable communities, and so dearly want all people to be able to live without fear of being attacked, killed, or otherwise oppressed, that I'm willing to consider anything to preserve safety and security... even if it means using force. Whatever force I have in my body. Including when my well-being is physically threatened, because I matter.

Now, it's important that I offer context for how I came to this -- I was in a semi-trance state, doing healing work about a very traumatic experience that I had.

Somehow, coming to the idea that I matter, and that I can use force to protect myself and preserve peace in my community... in my world... was extremely empowering.

I suspect it was part of my healing process, somehow.

Back to Dr. Rosenberg's statement quoted above -- to be fair, that paragraph was only a small part of his response letter to the 9/11 attacks, and most of the letter (as I understand it) was about the folly of retaliating with violence, and how important it is to use NVC principles when dealing with such incidents.

Nevertheless, I still honor how Marshall includes the use of force, in a protective manner (rather than punitive), as being consistent with nonviolence.

Back to me: I cannot fathom going out looking for trouble or looking for someone to attack -- it's beyond my imagination to do that. Yet, when I connect deeply with my desire for safety and well-being and survival, I find within me immense resources (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) to create the kind of world that I want.