Pain of unmet needs vs. Beauty of needs

Recently a colleague of mine from the Center for Nonviolent Communication -- fellow certified trainer Glenda Mattinson from Toronto -- posted two quotes that, to me, illustrates the difference between two orientations to practicing Nonviolent Communication.

This distinction is expressed through a term that I attribute to Robert Gonzales and Susan Skye of the NVC Training Institute: "The Pain of Unmet Needs" versus the, "Beauty of Needs."

The two quotes Glenda shared were from Martin Seligman, Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania and author of the books, "Learned Helplessness" and, "Learned Optimism." Seligman is one of the leaders of the "Positive Psychology" movement:

"A chilly, negative mood activates a battle-stations mode of thinking: the order of the day is to focus on what is wrong and then eliminate it. A positive mood, in contrast, buoys people into a way of thinking that is creative, tolerant, constructive, generous, undefensive and lateral. This way of thinking.probably even occurs in a different part of the brain and has a different neurochemistry from thinking under negative mood."

"When we are in a positive mood, people like us better, and friendship, love, and coalitions are more likely to cement. In contrast to the constrictions of negative emotion, our mental set is expansive, tolerant, and creative. We are open to new ideas and new experience."

I am inspired by these statements, because they remind me about where I want my attention to be: on the vision of how I would like to create a more wonderful experience of life for myself and others.

While it is true that I often become aware of my needs through their "unmetness" -- or in other words, through uncomfortable feelings in my body -- I have found that it doesn't do me much good to meditate on the "unfulfilled" state of my needs for very long at all.

Just yesterday, I had an interaction with an employee of a grocery store, and I noticed discomfort in me about our interaction. My first impulse was to judge the employee, and I evaluated him as being, "not very warm." Quickly, I realized I had made a judgment, so I tried to translate my judgment into needs.

I found that my need, obviously enough in this case, was for warmth. So I said to myself, my interaction with this man doesn't meet my need for warmth. I noticed a slight shift inside of me, but for the most part, I was still in pain, and still in judgment of this man, thinking that he, "should be more warm."

Yikes!

I found myself right back on the judgmental thinking loop. About 30 seconds later, I realized that I had not yet translated the pain of my unmet need into the energetic essence of the need itself (warmth). So I meditated on the need for warmth itself, and before long, I found myself wanting to reach out to others with warmth, and gravitate to those people I have experienced warmth with.

A much more positive experience, to say the least!

NVC from the eyes of St. Louis community activist

I spent 5 years of my life as a political activist and community organizer , ranging from the end of my undergraduate years at Bowling Green State University (Ohio) into my mid- to late-20s.

During this time, I ate, breathed and lived social change -- I found meaning in seeking to transform social and political structures that I saw as unhealthy and authoritarian. While these days I focus my social change efforts on sharing Nonviolent Communication, I still enjoy staying connected to others' efforts at creating change.

I have made an acquaintance/friend in St. Louis over the last year, Konstantin, who among other things, volunteers with the Community Media and Arts Project, where Rhonda Mills and I recently led an 8-week class series on NVC.

Anyway, Konstantin recently wrote an article about NVC in the monthly, St. Louis-area journal Confluence titled, "Compassionate Communication: Killing the Cop in our Heads."

I enjoyed several things that Konstantin wrote, including:

"[NVC] is an attempt to deconstruct the domination/submission structure in language and instead create connections of compassion, cooperation, understanding, and respect."

"...we can use NVC to create sustainable social networks--things that affirm life rather than alienate us from each other... It has the power to drastically change the world we live in by challenging oppressive social systems (even within radical groups) through connecting with what’s alive in us and others."

I am particularly excited about this last quote, because in my work with social change groups, frequently I would find that the very methods the groups were using to transform social institutions were based on the same kind of thinking that created those institutions: thinking in terms of right/wrong; good/bad; appropriate/inappropriate; benevolent/evil; etc.

I am hopeful that NVC can empower social change activists to create a certain kind of social change that is lasting and sustainable, and is based on equally valuing everyone's needs in the process. In short, I want to see effective social change, where somehow we inspire people to see how they are interconnected and interdependent, and they willingly change their behavior because they can see how changing contributes to their own well-being, as well as the well-being of others.

Finally, I am excited to see Konstantin's article because I experience companionship in spreading NVC consciousness in St. Louis! Rhonda Mills and I have been organizing quite a few workshops and presentations over the past 2.5 years, and I'm especially happy to see NVC spreading virally, through others involved in other groups.

The beauty of NVC language

I have been spending a lot of effort in the past few years attempting to make Nonviolent Communication (NVC) language more, "street friendly."

Today, however, I took time to appreciate how my need for beauty and elegance is frequently met by classical NVC language.

Don't get me wrong -- I do recognize the tremendous value of making NVC language accessible and free of jargon -- in order to connect with others by using words they are familiar with.

Nonetheless, I have come across several people lately who have used more words than I enjoy, and thank goodness I knew how to reply to them in NVC. And yes, I used classical NVC language, and it created connection!

I said something like, "Person, whoa... whoa... as I'm listening to you speak, I feel a growing uneasyness because I am wanting more mutuality and balance. Would you pause for a moment, and let me tell you back what I've heard so far, and see if I'm getting what you are telling me?"

As far as I can tell, that is -- more or less -- language that utilizes the NVC formula... the very thing that I often encourage more advanced NVC practitioners to avoid!

I remember what I heard a couple of years ago from fellow NVC certified trainer, Inbal Kashtan, from California on this topic. What I recall her saying is something like, "... I don't want to do away with NVC language -- it's a beautiful language... it contributes to such beauty in my life."

What's in a name? (I'm not a violent person!)

I attended a 2-day workshop by NVC founder, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, in Santa Barbara, CA in 2005. I was struck by something he said -- that if he had to do it all over again, he wouldn't call the process he pioneered, "Nonviolent Communication."

Immediately I recalled dozens of people who had said to me -- upon hearing me tell them about NVC -- something like, "I'm not a violent person, so that's not for me."

In the 1960's, when Dr. Rosenberg was first developing what became NVC, the term, "nonviolent" was more in people's consciousness due to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s work in civil rights, and not long prior was Mohandas Ghandi's nonviolent protests in India. My guess is that many people understood the term, "nonviolent" to mean a form of active, powerful social change, whether they agreed with the principles of King or Gandhi.

In the years since, my guess is that the term, "nonviolent" has lost its luster, and people take it more for the literal meaning of, "lacking physical violence" rather than the general sense we see it in NVC, as any kind of thinking or communication that alienates us from the life in ourselves or others.

In any event, Dr. Rosenberg said that if he had to do it all over again, he would have named the process, "Compassionate Communication," or, "Life-Enriching Communication." (see his book title by a similar name). I like both of these terms, and have frequently made use of the former in my own NVC trainings.

But even though Compassionate Communication seems to be an improvement over Nonviolent Communication, it still doesn't fully convey the power of this process to radically transform our lives and the society we live in. While people generally like the idea of compassion, many still seem to associate it with weakness, passivity, or ineffectiveness.

In the past 24 hours, I have come across two new names for NVC, one by Steve Meyerhardt of Columbia, MO, who attended an NVC retreat in Santa Cruz, CA, and learned the term, "Conscious Communication." Boy, I sure like that one!

And I was visiting the website of NVC Certified Trainer Gregg Kendrick from Charlottesville, VA and he refers to NVC in his trainings with businesses and organizations as, "Connecting Communication." I can see how that term would be less "loaded" for business cultures.

I'm going to "try on" these new names for NVC, but at the moment, I am most excited about, "Conscious Communication" -- thank you, Steve!

Can you "give" someone Empathy?

One phrase that is commonly bandied about in the NVC community is to, "give a person empathy." But let's take a closer look -- how do you actually "give" empathy to another person?

First of all, empathy is a central part of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in particular, and healthy relationships in general. To me, empathic presence has the ability to dissolve barriers between people, to heal pain, and to create a magical, transcendent experience.

What exactly is empathy? How about this definition:

Empathy is a quality of presence that one human being can offer to another by listening with a silent mind and an open heart. Rather than seeking to intellectually understand a person's experience, we enter into their frame of reference and sense what life might be like for them in that moment. We avoid feeling the others' feelings, because that is sympathy, and that doesn't have the same healing and transformational potential.



In any event, back to the original theme of this post: Is is possible to give someone empathy? I pose this question because it's been a helpful one to me as I have developed my empathic skills.

My answer is this: empathy is not a commodity to be doled out; rather, it is a certain kind of presence which, when we are in empathetic presence with another, it has a palpable affect on them... and ultimately on us also (the "provider" of empathy).

So in this sense, I do not believe it's possible to "give" a person something that has more to do with how we are with them. Of course, if by, "giving someone empathy" we mean to sit in this empathic place inside ourselves, in full acceptance and unconditional positive regard of them (a Carl Rogers term), then yes, it's possible to give someone this quality of our presence.

By the way, my experience shows me that when I am able to muster up the ability to be in empathy to another, it ends up benefitting my own well being also. Empathy seems to be very good for my health.

It reminds me of a quote I read that is attributed to Archbishop Desmond Tutu: "Forgiveness is not merely a form of altruism; it is the highest form of self-interest." When we hold a grudge against others, or hold enemy images of them in our mind, we are the ones that suffer the most.

Likewise, I find the same to be true with empathy. I like to say in my trainings, "Do yourself a favor and listen to others with empathy -- it's good for your health!"

Jeff's Regression to the "Mean Green Meme"

Last Friday evening, I facilitated an open Nonviolent Communication (NVC) practice group in the St. Louis area attended by six people. What transpired could be incorporated into a horror story called, "NVC Gone Wild."

One of the participants brought along his two sons, ages 14 and 10, and they arrived about 15 minutes after the announced start time, after we had begun the session. I attempted to facilitate the group with the boys present, but it quickly became apparent that it wasn't going to meet everyone's need for consideration to have them there -- particularly the 10 year-old, who appeared to be none to happy to be there in the first place, and began making quite a bit of noise playing with some toys.

I made a choice to use this as a real-life situation for everyone present to practice NVC, so I engaged in dialogue with each of the boys, with the father, and encouraged the rest of the participants to do the same... by offering empathy, expressing themselves honestly and practicing self-empathy.

What followed was about 90 minutes of back-and-forth dialogue that left everyone in the room -- myself included -- exhausted and frustrated. Two participants left early. One of the others might have, had she not carpooled with me.

Upon reflection, I realized that I had slipped into what some people call the Mean Green Meme -- a set of values defined by Spiraldynamics, which is a way to understand people's states of consciousness, and common stages they go through in their own development (this also applies to cultures as a whole).

As I understand it, this is sometimes referred to as the "mean green meme," where everyone MUST be seen as equal and treated equally, and it's absolutely unacceptable to prioritize one person's needs over another.

When I began offering trainings about 5 years ago), I would usually handle these situations like I did last Friday evening -- playing the, "everyone's needs matter equally" game and seeing what happened. The results occasionally produced a breakthrough, but most of the time ended up aggravating everyone.

Upon reflection, I probably would have handled the situation differently... such as by asking for father to take his boys to another location where their needs might be better met, and suggesting another option for him to practice NVC (such as coming to another event when he didn't have his boys with him).

It's definitely not a choice I would have made in a more formal setting, such as a business or organization, or even a full-on workshop for that matter. Interestingly to me, the very next day I led a training for 20 people through the St. Louis Community College and it flowed wonderfully -- very structured, and yet it also offered people room for practicing, asking questions, and learning.

I am fascinated by Spiraldynamics, and even with a cursory understanding of it, I feel empowered to choose more life-serving strategies that I am confident will end up meeting more needs, even if it appears to fly in the face of the Green Meme.