Saturday, July 12, 2008

The beauty of NVC language

I have been spending a lot of effort in the past few years attempting to make Nonviolent Communication (NVC) language more, "street friendly."

Today, however, I took time to appreciate how my need for beauty and elegance is frequently met by classical NVC language.

Don't get me wrong -- I do recognize the tremendous value of making NVC language accessible and free of jargon -- in order to connect with others by using words they are familiar with.

Nonetheless, I have come across several people lately who have used more words than I enjoy, and thank goodness I knew how to reply to them in NVC. And yes, I used classical NVC language, and it created connection!

I said something like, "Person, whoa... whoa... as I'm listening to you speak, I feel a growing uneasyness because I am wanting more mutuality and balance. Would you pause for a moment, and let me tell you back what I've heard so far, and see if I'm getting what you are telling me?"

As far as I can tell, that is -- more or less -- language that utilizes the NVC formula... the very thing that I often encourage more advanced NVC practitioners to avoid!

I remember what I heard a couple of years ago from fellow NVC certified trainer, Inbal Kashtan, from California on this topic. What I recall her saying is something like, "... I don't want to do away with NVC language -- it's a beautiful language... it contributes to such beauty in my life."

1 comment:

fMom said...

I struggled with "formal NVC vs street giraffe" for a couple of months, not being sure which modality most effectively met my needs for connection AND authenticity, but trusting that I could find a way to meet both needs when I was speaking or engaging in written correspondence. After years of practice, I was finally feeling confident with formal NVC (and joyous about that), only to find (rather suddenly and repeatedly) that sometimes it didn't meet other's needs for connection, ease or authenticity.

I felt very sad and upset by this, as my needs for acceptance, understanding and congruence were not met. I actually mourned it quite deeply, retreated from my community for a while, got in touch with my needs, figured out the difference between acceptance and approval, and then really got in touch with my need for authenticity. (Safety, acceptance and authenticity are my Three Big Needs it seems.)

I found it ironic that my strategy for meeting my need for authenticity (by speaking in formal NVC) did NOT meet other's need for authenticity. :<) Thus I pondered many questions: How much of that perception was I responsible for? What is my part in creating connection? If my deepest expression of authenticity is perceived / evaluated by others as "inauthentic," are my actions actually responsible for that? Etc.

I enjoy formal NVC, both speaking it and hearing it; I find it a BEAUTIFUL and elegant language, in a very classic sense. I am at peace with non-normative speaking patterns, and make a genuine effort to connect deeply with others, even if they are initially confused or surprised by the way I speak. I am willing to "talk through that," though am not willing to hide my genuine thoughts / feelings in more normative language -- it didn't meet my need for authenticity or honesty. (I felt sneaky when I tried it, if that can be considered a feeling.) Sometimes I speak in more "street" NVC, but if formal NVC arises for me as the clearest, most genuine expression of who I am in that moment, then that is they way I speak. I am at peace with the reaction, whatever it may be, and make genuine efforts to connect with the other person, while still meeting my need for authenticity and honesty.

I study language, particularly English, and am aware at how greatly linguistic usage changes over time. I feel peaceful and at ease when I think about consciously changing the way that English is used conversationally -- it meets my needs for authenticity and liberation.