When the rubber meets the road -- NVC consciousness in the face of violence

Last night, I had the opportunity to "test" (so to speak) how deeply Nonviolent Communication (NVC) consciousness had seeped into my veins, thanks to a traumatic experience.

I was robbed at gunpoint around midnight, in front of my home in St. Louis, MO. Just returning from facilitating a weekend of NVC trainings in Madison, WI -- and 8 hours of driving -- and was unloading my car when I stood up to see a gun pointed in my face.

There were two young men I would guess were around 20 years old, one of whom was staring me down behind the barrel of a handgun and ordering me to give him my money.

I didn't have any time to respond by running, and I certainly didn't want to fight the guy for fear of my safety (and his), so I told them to take whatever they wanted.

Strangely, all they took was my cell phone and car keys to the rental car I was driving, leaving me with my wallet and laptop computer. The young man with the gun ordered me to run down the street the other direction, and when I returned 5 minutes later, they hadn't taken the car, either (in spite of having the keys).

I'm very thankful the young men didn't seem to have any desire to hurt me, as I was totally unharmed physically.

In any event, mostly what I want to share is my internal process related to this event.

When it was happening, it was like time was suspended. I was very calm, considering the circumstances. When I ran away, I jogged calmly away.

20 hours later, I have not noticed any desire for retaliation or revenge. Interesting to notice this.

I have had several moments of surging adrenaline today, looking around to see if anyone was preparing to jump me.

During one of these moments, I did have thoughts that if these guys jumped me again, I would fight back and attempt to beat them to a pulp. Hmmm... I wonder if this is more protective or punitive.

Perhaps it's a hidden desire for revenge, masquerading as protective use of force -- in that I could "justify" beating the men if they attacked me again.

Mostly, I think it's a desire for my own safety, and doing whatever necessary to preserve that... including using whatever force I can muster.

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Knowing my age-old tendency to overlook or gloss over traumatic experiences, I set an intention today to be fully present with whatever feelings came up. This evening -- about 16 hours after the event -- I began feeling very tearful, so I went to a safe place and allowed myself to shake and cry and emote.

I know from past experience that if unexpressed, these traumas can become stuck in my body as "kinks" of physical/emotional energy, and that would not be healthy for me.

So I even exaggerated the shaking and crying and felt a release come after a few minutes. I sense there is still more to come, however I'm on a healthy path to coming to terms on all levels with the experience.

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On the whole, I am most struck by an absence of any desire to punish these young men. I hope, if they are caught -- which I hope they are -- that they somehow receive the support and attention they need that I believe they have not gotten so far in their lives.

I am hopeful, but not confident about this, as they say. Hopeful because I have seen real-life examples of when people who commit crimes or take actions that harm others can see with empathy the impact of their actions on the other person, a major transformation can take place.

I pray for something akin to the 3-step process of reconciliation that I learned from Marshall Rosenberg, founder of NVC. That somehow, we all get into a room together and experience empathy, mourning and honesty.

Namely, that they can come to see the impact of their actions on me, and on themselves; that they can mourn that what they did violated some precious values of THEIRS (not necessarily of mine, but theirs) such as dignity, caring, or respect; and that they could express honestly the reasons why they did it, in the form of what human needs they were trying to fulfill... and that I could hear that with empathy.

So as the rubber hits the road, I can see that 10 years of diligent practice in Compassionate Communication has DEFINITELY altered my internal reaction and process around this.

Carl Rogers, mentor to Marshall Rosenberg

I am fascinated by the presence and genuineness of Dr. Carl Rogers, the psychotherapist who Marshall Rosenberg studied under as a doctoral student at the University of Wisconsin in the 1960s.

When I was a graduate student in 2006 earning a degree in counseling psychology, we watched a video of Rogers working with a client as part of a groundbreaking film called, "Approaches to Psychotherapy" (1965).

Here is the 30-minute segment of Rogers working with the client, embodying empathy, congruence and prizing, the 3 components that Rogers taught were the important elements of relating to others.

You can click on the 5 links below to bring up each part of the session:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5