Tuesday, April 28, 2009

When the rubber meets the road -- NVC consciousness in the face of violence

Last night, I had the opportunity to "test" (so to speak) how deeply Nonviolent Communication (NVC) consciousness had seeped into my veins, thanks to a traumatic experience.

I was robbed at gunpoint around midnight, in front of my home in St. Louis, MO. Just returning from facilitating a weekend of NVC trainings in Madison, WI -- and 8 hours of driving -- and was unloading my car when I stood up to see a gun pointed in my face.

There were two young men I would guess were around 20 years old, one of whom was staring me down behind the barrel of a handgun and ordering me to give him my money.

I didn't have any time to respond by running, and I certainly didn't want to fight the guy for fear of my safety (and his), so I told them to take whatever they wanted.

Strangely, all they took was my cell phone and car keys to the rental car I was driving, leaving me with my wallet and laptop computer. The young man with the gun ordered me to run down the street the other direction, and when I returned 5 minutes later, they hadn't taken the car, either (in spite of having the keys).

I'm very thankful the young men didn't seem to have any desire to hurt me, as I was totally unharmed physically.

In any event, mostly what I want to share is my internal process related to this event.

When it was happening, it was like time was suspended. I was very calm, considering the circumstances. When I ran away, I jogged calmly away.

20 hours later, I have not noticed any desire for retaliation or revenge. Interesting to notice this.

I have had several moments of surging adrenaline today, looking around to see if anyone was preparing to jump me.

During one of these moments, I did have thoughts that if these guys jumped me again, I would fight back and attempt to beat them to a pulp. Hmmm... I wonder if this is more protective or punitive.

Perhaps it's a hidden desire for revenge, masquerading as protective use of force -- in that I could "justify" beating the men if they attacked me again.

Mostly, I think it's a desire for my own safety, and doing whatever necessary to preserve that... including using whatever force I can muster.

--

Knowing my age-old tendency to overlook or gloss over traumatic experiences, I set an intention today to be fully present with whatever feelings came up. This evening -- about 16 hours after the event -- I began feeling very tearful, so I went to a safe place and allowed myself to shake and cry and emote.

I know from past experience that if unexpressed, these traumas can become stuck in my body as "kinks" of physical/emotional energy, and that would not be healthy for me.

So I even exaggerated the shaking and crying and felt a release come after a few minutes. I sense there is still more to come, however I'm on a healthy path to coming to terms on all levels with the experience.

--

On the whole, I am most struck by an absence of any desire to punish these young men. I hope, if they are caught -- which I hope they are -- that they somehow receive the support and attention they need that I believe they have not gotten so far in their lives.

I am hopeful, but not confident about this, as they say. Hopeful because I have seen real-life examples of when people who commit crimes or take actions that harm others can see with empathy the impact of their actions on the other person, a major transformation can take place.

I pray for something akin to the 3-step process of reconciliation that I learned from Marshall Rosenberg, founder of NVC. That somehow, we all get into a room together and experience empathy, mourning and honesty.

Namely, that they can come to see the impact of their actions on me, and on themselves; that they can mourn that what they did violated some precious values of THEIRS (not necessarily of mine, but theirs) such as dignity, caring, or respect; and that they could express honestly the reasons why they did it, in the form of what human needs they were trying to fulfill... and that I could hear that with empathy.

So as the rubber hits the road, I can see that 10 years of diligent practice in Compassionate Communication has DEFINITELY altered my internal reaction and process around this.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Carl Rogers, mentor to Marshall Rosenberg

I am fascinated by the presence and genuineness of Dr. Carl Rogers, the psychotherapist who Marshall Rosenberg studied under as a doctoral student at the University of Wisconsin in the 1960s.

When I was a graduate student in 2006 earning a degree in counseling psychology, we watched a video of Rogers working with a client as part of a groundbreaking film called, "Approaches to Psychotherapy" (1965).

Here is the 30-minute segment of Rogers working with the client, embodying empathy, congruence and prizing, the 3 components that Rogers taught were the important elements of relating to others.

You can click on the 5 links below to bring up each part of the session:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5