Yesterday, I took the initiative to call a friend and ask for empathy from him. It was incredibly sweet and nurturing for me to have the experience of being heard and seen, totally absent of judgment or any of the forms of communication that block empathy.
Edward Titchenor once defined empathy as, "a sense of kinesthetic imagination," and that is what I experienced from my friend -- that he entered my frame of reference not just in an intellectual sense, but in an active, living way.
This might not seem like a noteworthy event, however for me, it was very significant. While in years past, I regularly set up "empathy calls" with others so that I could receive the healing and nourishing qualities of empathy, in the past couple of years I have been relying almost entirely on myself for empathy.
And while my skills at self-empathy have strengthened, I had virtually forgotten about asking others for empathy -- even when I have been stuck or wallowing in a state of misery.
Upon reflection, I think I know why: I have been "telling myself" that I am an NVC trainer, and that NVC trainers "should" be able to provide empathy for themselves, and that they "shouldn't" have to rely upon empathy from external sources for their well-being.
Yikes! Ouch! That jackal thinking* can be sneaky and pernicious, and in this case my jackals inhibited me getting this precious and life-giving need of empathy fulfilled.
Of course, if I'm not careful, then my jackal mind is likely to "jackal myself" for not being more aware of this before now! This is what I call the, "double jackal syndrome," meaning that once I realize that I have been in jackal thinking, then I judge and blame myself for not knowing any better, or for being a lousy giraffe.
Thankfully, I have awareness in this moment of this syndrome, so I can playfully blog about it. :-)
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* "Jackal" is a playful metaphor we use in NVC to describe any language that separates or alienates us from the life within ourself or others.
2 comments:
Thank you for sharing your experience of the power of empathy, and the power of empowerment to ASK for empathy. I am happy to hear that NVC trainers need empathy, too. :<) I feel touched by your sharing; it meets my needs for depth and connection.
Dear Jeff,
I think I would just be jackaling you if I said you were suffering from a triple Jackal syndrome; i.e., be careful to avoid labeling anything a "syndrome". Tee hee hee. I enjoy so much reading reading your posts on this blog. Please continue it. :-)
(Greg in South Korea)
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