New Year's Resolutions -- Why do they fail so often?

In the spirit of the season, I have been hearing a few people talk about making New Year's resolutions.

I reflected on common resolutions that people make -- to lose weight, stop smoking, be nicer to their spouse/partner, or whip themselves into shape in some fashion.



It seems like about 95% or more of the time, people are not successful at keeping their resolution. This reminds me of when I worked as a Nutritional Counselor for 5 years, and found that people's success rate at implementing my nutritional advice was very low, maybe 25% at best.

For a long time, I scratched my head and wondered why this was. I don't claim to have an expert analysis, however I suspect there is a major factor at play in both of these scenarios -- namely, that people set out to make a behavioral change with the idea that willpower alone will be sufficient for them to sustain the change.

What they don't realize is that their current behavior -- whether that is overeating, abusing alcohol or drugs (or any other addiction, for that matter), or yelling at people -- is meeting some of their needs; if it wasn't, they wouldn't be doing it in the first place.

To use willpower alone in an attempt to change behavior, even if that behavior is very harmful, is a losing game. My experience is that it's almost not even worth the effort, because virtually every time, the person cannot maintain the life changes, and through this failure blames and judges him or herself, which only exacerbates the problem.

So what might the alternative be: Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication, suggests that we might first take time to acknowledge -- and even celebrate -- that the present behavior is meeting some precious need of ours. Only once we recognize the need and accept ourself for having the need can we make positive and lasting changes.

In other words, greet our harmful behavior with love and acceptance, and resist any and all efforts to change ourselves against our will. There is always a part of us that will "rise up" in the defense of a pattern, because it got there in the first place to meet an important need of ours.

So for instance, if a person drinks alcohol to the point of harming their health and alienating him/her from the people in their life, the idea would be to connect with the "good reasons" behind the choice to drink. A person might be longing for relaxation, in agonizing tension in fact, and just doesn't know any other way to get it.

Or, some people might have a lot of self-judgment and self-deprecation happening, even tearing themselves apart inside... and drinking is the only strategy they are aware of to calm the inner demons, and experience some inner peace and freedom from the blame and judgment... just to be free from that.

That's not to say that the behavior itself (drinking more than is good for their health) is a desirable thing; in fact, it probably doesn't meet a lot of their other needs, such as health and well being, consideration for others, healing, resolution, growth or development, to name a few possibilities.

But one thing is for certain -- if people brow-beat themselves into behavioral change, and attempt to maintain that through willpower, the willpower will run out sooner or later... and probably sooner. We just cannot marshall up enough willpower to counteract an energy of a need that motivated us to do the behavior in the first place.

So my playful New Year's Resolution is to avoid making resolutions... that is, unless and until I love the part of me that is energizing whatever behavior I wish to change... and greet that part of me with love, acceptance and honor.

Once I have done that, the change takes place organically, from a place of inner connection with my power. Happy new years to al1!

Is NVC compatible with stereotypically conservative worldview?

Henry, a friend of mine in St. Louis, recently posed a question to me about NVC in an email exchange we were having.

I am inspired to share it in my blog, in the hopes that it will stimulate you in some positive way. As always, I welcome feedback about my musings.



> HENRY: Question: in your judgment, is a stereotypical, sociopolitically conservative worldview compatible with NVC?

JEFF: I like this question -- it challenges me and stimulates me to grow and explore this question myself.

Prior to Nonviolent Communication (NVC), I spent 5 years of my life as a progressive political activist, and gave that up because I became so hopeless and despondent that so many people appeared to be "locked into" the stereotypical, sociopolitically conservative worldview that you refer to.

My answer to your question is "Mostly." NVC enables us to focus our attention on our own needs and values, as well as onto others' needs and values, and see the divine life energy that is motivating us all to espouse whatever political views that we do.

In that way, NVC does not put forth any particular political stance or orientation -- it just seeks to illuminate the truth of us human beings, which I see as Love (Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of NVC, talks about this, too. I have heard him say that he created NVC to take the concept of love and make it real in our everyday lives.)

I find that any attitudes that seek to limit, constrict, compartmentalize or isolate the human experience of Love do not the stand the test of time when NVC consciousness is applied to them. For me, NVC shows me how to place my attention on those aspects of the human experience that are the most likely to put me in the flow of life. These aspects are often referred to as the mechanics of NVC: observations, feelings, needs and requests.

I also want to be abundantly clear that I do not believe that progressive political thinking is better than conservative thinking, even if those terms could be quantified and defined in the first place. In fact, when I was an environmental activist for those 5 years, I was absolutely fueled by "jackal thinking" that the "enemy" (i.e. anyone who held an opinion different than my own) was irresponsible, bad, or wrong-headed, and it was my job to convince them of their wrongness.

Needless to say, I was not only ineffective, I believe that I made things worse -- by irritating people, stimulating them to defend themselves and reinforce their position, and making little (if any) connection with them. I have since learned that my favorite way to gain political power -- or any kind of power with people -- is to use empathy to demonstrate that I see the divine reasons for a person holding political beliefs that are different from my own, even if I feel scared or angry about them.

Moving from the "Either/Or" to the "Both/And" paradigm

Over the past several years, one way I can describe my development as a human being is that I am releasing "either/or" thinking and embracing a "both/and" orientation.

This is so liberating!



For me, either/or thinking serves to constrict and limit me, boxing me into the corner of seemingly choosing between two things. In essence, different parts of me become "winners" and "losers," just like what happens between people with either/or thinking.

Think soon-to-be former U.S. President George Bush, when he was attempting to rally media and popular support for his warmaking in the aftermath of 9/11: "You're either with us, or you're against us."

Black and white. No middle ground. If you're not for us, we'll treat you as an enemy. This kind of language, this kind of thinking, is the origin of a lot of conflict on this earth, I believe.

When we get to thinking of others as enemies, rather than embracing the possibility that everyone's needs can get met, our abundant universe becomes very small.

On a personal level, the more that I embrace, and really buy into, the abundance paradigm, the happier I am.

And not only am I more happy -- people around me are a lot happier, too, because I can live in the balance of equally valuing BOTH of our needs. More and more, I am living in the dynamic tension of not knowing exactly how to address everyone's needs, and being OK in that tension... not bailing out, not hiding, and avoiding the "cut and run" reaction that was a hallmark of my past.