Over the past several years, one way I can describe my development as a human being is that I am releasing "either/or" thinking and embracing a "both/and" orientation.
This is so liberating!
For me, either/or thinking serves to constrict and limit me, boxing me into the corner of seemingly choosing between two things. In essence, different parts of me become "winners" and "losers," just like what happens between people with either/or thinking.
Think soon-to-be former U.S. President George Bush, when he was attempting to rally media and popular support for his warmaking in the aftermath of 9/11: "You're either with us, or you're against us."
Black and white. No middle ground. If you're not for us, we'll treat you as an enemy. This kind of language, this kind of thinking, is the origin of a lot of conflict on this earth, I believe.
When we get to thinking of others as enemies, rather than embracing the possibility that everyone's needs can get met, our abundant universe becomes very small.
On a personal level, the more that I embrace, and really buy into, the abundance paradigm, the happier I am.
And not only am I more happy -- people around me are a lot happier, too, because I can live in the balance of equally valuing BOTH of our needs. More and more, I am living in the dynamic tension of not knowing exactly how to address everyone's needs, and being OK in that tension... not bailing out, not hiding, and avoiding the "cut and run" reaction that was a hallmark of my past.
1 comment:
Dear Jeff,
first of all I'd like to thank you for your block, because it inspires me to think about and understand NVC(finding my own way? - even if I'm not sure if this are needs. But anyway,)
I'm living in Germany and I'm still struggling with the language of NVC, especially when I read (interpret) sentences in which someone is criticized for what he's doing, WITHOUT looking to his feelings and needs behind.
You write:
“Black and white. No middle ground. If you're not for us, we'll treat you as an enemy. This kind of language, this kind of thinking, is the origin of a lot of conflict on this earth, I believe.
When we get to thinking of others as enemies, rather than embracing the possibility that everyone's needs can get met, our abundant universe becomes very small.”
This comment is in my point of view by itself another statement of “It is not right to think of others as enemies, it is 'more right' (or better) to embrace the possibility that everyone's needs can get met”.
The formulation “this kind of...” is labeling too and no observation, isn't it?
Well I can agree in general, but not in that way, because for me it is not non-violent.
The non-violent view will start with empathy for George Bush resp. the strategy to think in eiher/or.
If I think in black and white (as George Bush does and I do myself) I'm somehow longing for to make the world more easier to understand, to have it easier to orientate myself, to make clear and quick decisions. If I label someone else as “evil” or “bad”, it is only an attempt to let me feel stronger, somehow better by putting myself on the good side, of course. And somehow I want to trust people and need simple cues to recognize them, like political orientation, skin color and so on.
Or another approach:
“Hi George, I see you do a fairly good job, and you want the United States to be safe? I wonder, when you say "You're either with us, or you're against us.", do you want to feel sure, that you have people at your side, who you can rely upon to 100%?
The distinction between giraffe and jackal points unfortunately into the same direction, even it was just thought of symbols, I've experienced (at least in German training groups even by trainers), that the jackal is subliminal labeled as the “bad one”, who has to be reeducated, and the giraffe is the loved one, the wiser, more developed animal, another variation of black and white thinking. So the training seems to be sufficient if the jackal uses giraffe-language, without hugging the jackal and the beauty behind his expressions first.
Dear Jeff (and all the other readers, if there are any) I want to close without giving empathy to your feelings and needs behind your comments but with a variation of Rumi's words: “There is a place beyond jackal and giraffe, I'll meet you there”. This is the place for me where non-violent communication starts (or where I like it to be seen).
Thank you for your attention. And if you like to respond and write a few lines, I would be glad because of being heard.
Warmest regards
Ulrich (ulju66@freenet.de)
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