When Empathy might not be the most Life-Serving Response

Frequently when I am teaching people empathy skills and practice, I get a question that sounds something like this:

"How could you just stand there and talk with the person endlessly if they ______," and then the person fills in the blank with any number of scenarios.



This illuminates how empathy -- whether done silently or out loud -- is actually NOT the preferred response in certain situations. So, as valuable and life-giving as empathy can be, I invite you to consider ditching empathy in the following situations and trying the alternative:

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SITUATION: You notice resentment or irritation when you imagine offering your empathic presence to another.

ALTERNATIVE RESPONSE: Remind yourself that the only way that empathy connects is when the listener is acting out of the joy of giving, and is meeting his or her own needs by offering the empathic presence. In other words, empathy is not a commodity that we “dole out,” but rather a compassionate embrace of the other that enriches our life.


SITUATION: You are too upset or triggered in that moment to genuinely offer your empathic presence.

ALTERNATIVE RESPONSE: Take a time out. Take a deep breath. Shine the light of empathy on yourself (“self-empathy”). Connect with your own feelings, needs and requests, and/or ask another person (not the person who triggered you) you trust to listen to you with empathy.


SITUATION: When you want to share your own truth with the person.

ALTERNATIVE RESPONSE: Express yourself honestly to them. This sometimes involves “Screaming Compassionately,” as in, “I am overwhelmed and needing to take care of myself, and I am not able to hear you right now! Can we talk again after dinner?”


SITUATION: The other person has a need that is more alive than empathy, such as information, clarity or honesty.

ALTERNATIVE RESPONSE: Tune in to the person’s present-moment need(s), and respond accordingly… rather than defaulting to or assuming that empathy is always the primary need. It can be extremely irritating to receive empathy – particularly the verbal reflection of feelings and needs – when another need is alive.


SITUATION: You fear for your physical safety or security.

ALTERNATIVE RESPONSE: Get out of there immediately and go to a safe place.


SITUATION: A person is behaving in a physically violent manner, and you believe there is imminent danger to yourself, others, or to the person him or herself.

ALTERNATIVE RESPONSE: Protective use of Force. In an emergency situation, if
you are able to, use force to stop the person from causing harm. Once the person is restrained and safety is restored, be prepared to empathically connect with the person.