Is NVC compatible with stereotypically conservative worldview?

Henry, a friend of mine in St. Louis, recently posed a question to me about NVC in an email exchange we were having.

I am inspired to share it in my blog, in the hopes that it will stimulate you in some positive way. As always, I welcome feedback about my musings.



> HENRY: Question: in your judgment, is a stereotypical, sociopolitically conservative worldview compatible with NVC?

JEFF: I like this question -- it challenges me and stimulates me to grow and explore this question myself.

Prior to Nonviolent Communication (NVC), I spent 5 years of my life as a progressive political activist, and gave that up because I became so hopeless and despondent that so many people appeared to be "locked into" the stereotypical, sociopolitically conservative worldview that you refer to.

My answer to your question is "Mostly." NVC enables us to focus our attention on our own needs and values, as well as onto others' needs and values, and see the divine life energy that is motivating us all to espouse whatever political views that we do.

In that way, NVC does not put forth any particular political stance or orientation -- it just seeks to illuminate the truth of us human beings, which I see as Love (Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of NVC, talks about this, too. I have heard him say that he created NVC to take the concept of love and make it real in our everyday lives.)

I find that any attitudes that seek to limit, constrict, compartmentalize or isolate the human experience of Love do not the stand the test of time when NVC consciousness is applied to them. For me, NVC shows me how to place my attention on those aspects of the human experience that are the most likely to put me in the flow of life. These aspects are often referred to as the mechanics of NVC: observations, feelings, needs and requests.

I also want to be abundantly clear that I do not believe that progressive political thinking is better than conservative thinking, even if those terms could be quantified and defined in the first place. In fact, when I was an environmental activist for those 5 years, I was absolutely fueled by "jackal thinking" that the "enemy" (i.e. anyone who held an opinion different than my own) was irresponsible, bad, or wrong-headed, and it was my job to convince them of their wrongness.

Needless to say, I was not only ineffective, I believe that I made things worse -- by irritating people, stimulating them to defend themselves and reinforce their position, and making little (if any) connection with them. I have since learned that my favorite way to gain political power -- or any kind of power with people -- is to use empathy to demonstrate that I see the divine reasons for a person holding political beliefs that are different from my own, even if I feel scared or angry about them.

Moving from the "Either/Or" to the "Both/And" paradigm

Over the past several years, one way I can describe my development as a human being is that I am releasing "either/or" thinking and embracing a "both/and" orientation.

This is so liberating!



For me, either/or thinking serves to constrict and limit me, boxing me into the corner of seemingly choosing between two things. In essence, different parts of me become "winners" and "losers," just like what happens between people with either/or thinking.

Think soon-to-be former U.S. President George Bush, when he was attempting to rally media and popular support for his warmaking in the aftermath of 9/11: "You're either with us, or you're against us."

Black and white. No middle ground. If you're not for us, we'll treat you as an enemy. This kind of language, this kind of thinking, is the origin of a lot of conflict on this earth, I believe.

When we get to thinking of others as enemies, rather than embracing the possibility that everyone's needs can get met, our abundant universe becomes very small.

On a personal level, the more that I embrace, and really buy into, the abundance paradigm, the happier I am.

And not only am I more happy -- people around me are a lot happier, too, because I can live in the balance of equally valuing BOTH of our needs. More and more, I am living in the dynamic tension of not knowing exactly how to address everyone's needs, and being OK in that tension... not bailing out, not hiding, and avoiding the "cut and run" reaction that was a hallmark of my past.

How we hold "responsibility" and "accountability" in NVC?

This weekend I am attending a training sponsored by the Mankind Project, an international men's organization that I belong to.

One of the concepts we have worked with is that of responsibility / accountability, which are things that I have held confusion about, in particular how to define them in the context of Nonviolent Communication (NVC).



One of the things that, in the past, has snagged me, is the idea that responsibility is about me blaming and criticizing someone when things don't go the way I would like -- whether that someone is another person or myself!

In other words, you are "held accountable" by having me point out to you the wrongness of your actions. Ouch!

Instead, I would like to offer definitions of responsibility and accountability in the framework of NVC, as I understand it:

1. I am 100% responsible for my actions, feelings and thoughts. Not 95%, not 99%, but one hundred percent!;

2. You are 100% responsible for your actions, feelings and thoughts.

There are no 2 ways about it -- if we fail to be clear about these first 2 points, we are doomed to recreating unhealthy patterns of relating to each other.

3. By understanding points #1 and #2, this supports me in having compassion for you. In other words, by not taking "responsibility," it frees me up to be more "responsIVE" and empathetic -- and genuinely display compassion for whatever comes alive in you in response to what I did or said; and

4. In order to meet my own need for learning and growing, I become accountable for my actions by actively seeking feedback -- by having a sincere curiosity about how you received my words or actions. And of course, it's a lot easier to open myself to feedback when I have let myself, and you, "off the hook" by not implying anyone is to blame or is wrong for what occurred.

By these definitions, the ideas of responsibility and accountability are things I want to move closer to, rather than run away from based on the old definitions based on wrong, bad, inappropriate, shame or punishment.

How about for you?

A deeper gratitude than ever before

I returned to the U.S. 2 days ago after 7 weeks in Japan and South Korea, and I have never in my life been more grateful to have access to foods that my body is used to.




Yesterday, I walked into Sevananda Natural Foods Co-op in Atlanta, GA, and bought over $200 worth of food! As I was shopping, and as I saw a food that I had not had access to for 7 weeks, I stopped and was overtaken by gratitude -- deeply appreciating the moment, as well as the foods available to me in the U.S.

In fact, some of my long-standing irritation and disgust with American culture faded, as I felt this gratitude. For all of my frustration with our culture, I am profoundly grateful for the natural foods revolution and the fact that in most cities now, I can purchase organically-growth, fresh, high-quality food -- something that, in spite of my best efforts, I was not able to do in Asia.

I am "grateful" to one of my teachers about gratitude, fellow NVC Certified Trainer Myra Walden, who, fittingly, walked into the store in the middle of one of my gratitude moments. Myra is also in Atlanta because we 2 of the 4 facilitators of a 7-day retreat called, "Cultivating Inner and Outer Peace" along with Cynthia Moe and Mark Feinknopf.

photos from teaching NVC in Korea

A collection of photos from September 2008 teaching NVC in Seoul, South Korea. This was a small group that I taught a foundation NVC workshop to. This was one of the few trainings I gave in English only (no translator), so each of these participants was fluent in English.

(this is me at the top, and below me is Hermie from the Phillipines, who is in Korea for 9 months teaching English, as many foreigners do).

Alternate views on evolution of NVC

Lately, I have been appreciating the views expressed by Conal Elliott, a member of the NVC community who lives in San Andreas, California, which is about 2 hours east of the Bay Area.

Conal maintains a blog called, "NVC Evolves: Explorations in evolving the understanding, living, and teaching of Nonviolent Communication." I highly recommend reading what he has to say about NVC -- I find his contributions to be stimulating and lead to expansiveness in me, even when I am not in agreement with what he offers (I am in alignment with him about 80% of the time).

Here is one of his recent blog posts: "Distracted by Faux Needs?" is particularly revealing to me.

Another topic I have seen Conal blog about is certification of NVC trainers, and my understanding of him is that he is very uncomfortable with certification, and suggests alternative ways to look at this issue.

Summoning up Empathy from Within (my only choice)

Last weekend, I led a 2-day NVC foundation training for 30 people in Kwan-ju, in the southern province of South Korea. There were 30 people in attendance, and aside from my interpreter, almost no one spoke English, and even the 2 or 3 who did, only spoke a little bit.

Although I started the training with lots of energy, before long I was reeling and in pain as a result of various stimuli, ranging from my difficulty connecting with people -- or even understanding what they were saying -- lots of background noise and interruptions, physical fatigue, and inner judgments about myself (example: I shouldn't be so sensitive!)

In fact, a few times I directly asked for empathy from others, and received in return almost every form of NON-empathy, including advice, being told I shouldn't feel the way I did, and even one participant admonishing me to stop talking in this way!

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention my favorite jackal response to my request for empathy: "It's not a problem for Koreans. You are only upset because you are an American -- we are fine with what's happening!"

Now, normally I have no expectation that I can depend on workshop participants for empathy, and often times I do not even ask for it; however, often I do bring that into the mix as a learning opportunity, knowing full well that I might not receive empathy and will have to rely on my own self-empathy anyway.

There was something about this experience, however, that was so stunningly non-empathic, that I am reflecting on it with great amusement!

At the time, however, I had to dig very, very deeply into myself to find empathy for how painful it was for me to feel lonely, and confused, and be needing compassion and experiencing exactly the opposite.

I am grateful that I have developed my skills for self-empathy sufficiently well that I was able to avoid jackaling anyone else, and even myself, for the most part. I took a couple of breaks, poured some pure empathy on myself, and remained present to the participants throughout the 2 days.

And I am happy to say that the feedback was mostly very positive, and I received plenty of gratitude afterward.