When the rubber meets the road -- NVC consciousness in the face of violence

Last night, I had the opportunity to "test" (so to speak) how deeply Nonviolent Communication (NVC) consciousness had seeped into my veins, thanks to a traumatic experience.

I was robbed at gunpoint around midnight, in front of my home in St. Louis, MO. Just returning from facilitating a weekend of NVC trainings in Madison, WI -- and 8 hours of driving -- and was unloading my car when I stood up to see a gun pointed in my face.

There were two young men I would guess were around 20 years old, one of whom was staring me down behind the barrel of a handgun and ordering me to give him my money.

I didn't have any time to respond by running, and I certainly didn't want to fight the guy for fear of my safety (and his), so I told them to take whatever they wanted.

Strangely, all they took was my cell phone and car keys to the rental car I was driving, leaving me with my wallet and laptop computer. The young man with the gun ordered me to run down the street the other direction, and when I returned 5 minutes later, they hadn't taken the car, either (in spite of having the keys).

I'm very thankful the young men didn't seem to have any desire to hurt me, as I was totally unharmed physically.

In any event, mostly what I want to share is my internal process related to this event.

When it was happening, it was like time was suspended. I was very calm, considering the circumstances. When I ran away, I jogged calmly away.

20 hours later, I have not noticed any desire for retaliation or revenge. Interesting to notice this.

I have had several moments of surging adrenaline today, looking around to see if anyone was preparing to jump me.

During one of these moments, I did have thoughts that if these guys jumped me again, I would fight back and attempt to beat them to a pulp. Hmmm... I wonder if this is more protective or punitive.

Perhaps it's a hidden desire for revenge, masquerading as protective use of force -- in that I could "justify" beating the men if they attacked me again.

Mostly, I think it's a desire for my own safety, and doing whatever necessary to preserve that... including using whatever force I can muster.

--

Knowing my age-old tendency to overlook or gloss over traumatic experiences, I set an intention today to be fully present with whatever feelings came up. This evening -- about 16 hours after the event -- I began feeling very tearful, so I went to a safe place and allowed myself to shake and cry and emote.

I know from past experience that if unexpressed, these traumas can become stuck in my body as "kinks" of physical/emotional energy, and that would not be healthy for me.

So I even exaggerated the shaking and crying and felt a release come after a few minutes. I sense there is still more to come, however I'm on a healthy path to coming to terms on all levels with the experience.

--

On the whole, I am most struck by an absence of any desire to punish these young men. I hope, if they are caught -- which I hope they are -- that they somehow receive the support and attention they need that I believe they have not gotten so far in their lives.

I am hopeful, but not confident about this, as they say. Hopeful because I have seen real-life examples of when people who commit crimes or take actions that harm others can see with empathy the impact of their actions on the other person, a major transformation can take place.

I pray for something akin to the 3-step process of reconciliation that I learned from Marshall Rosenberg, founder of NVC. That somehow, we all get into a room together and experience empathy, mourning and honesty.

Namely, that they can come to see the impact of their actions on me, and on themselves; that they can mourn that what they did violated some precious values of THEIRS (not necessarily of mine, but theirs) such as dignity, caring, or respect; and that they could express honestly the reasons why they did it, in the form of what human needs they were trying to fulfill... and that I could hear that with empathy.

So as the rubber hits the road, I can see that 10 years of diligent practice in Compassionate Communication has DEFINITELY altered my internal reaction and process around this.

Carl Rogers, mentor to Marshall Rosenberg

I am fascinated by the presence and genuineness of Dr. Carl Rogers, the psychotherapist who Marshall Rosenberg studied under as a doctoral student at the University of Wisconsin in the 1960s.

When I was a graduate student in 2006 earning a degree in counseling psychology, we watched a video of Rogers working with a client as part of a groundbreaking film called, "Approaches to Psychotherapy" (1965).

Here is the 30-minute segment of Rogers working with the client, embodying empathy, congruence and prizing, the 3 components that Rogers taught were the important elements of relating to others.

You can click on the 5 links below to bring up each part of the session:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Punishments vs. Consequences: Is there a difference?

Last week, I trained a group of about 30 people who are employed by a medium-sized business in the skills of Compassionate Communication.

One of the participants asked a question while I was sharing various forms of conflict-inducing communication, namely making demands and threatening to punish people if they don't do what we want:



"How do you apply NVC in a workplace situation when you are the boss and you need to get certain tasks accomplished?"

The distinction I drew was between punishment and consequences, although I admit I didn't answer the question with as much clarity as I would have liked.

Here is the way I see it:

PUNISHMENT: If I want to get someone to do something, I threaten to punish them if they don't, either explicitly or implicitly. For example, if they don't do what I ask then I will blame them, lay a guilt trip on them, label them (irresponsible, inconsiderate, insubordinate, etc.) or use some other such alienating response in an attempt to induce them to do it. The focus is on getting the person to obey me.

CONSEQUENCES: I make it clear to a person the need behind my request, and tell them that if they act in a certain way (or fail to act in a certain way), then I will respond in a certain way. I do this without any idea in my mind that they are bad, wrong, inappropriate or otherwise if they don't do it.

I reveal to the person why this is important to me (i.e the needs that are motivating me), and even engage their creativity to show me some other way I could get my needs met, that would be even better for them at the same time.

The focus, rather than being on getting the person to obey me, is on getting my underlying need(s) met.

--

To me, the key differences are:

1) My Objective: With punishment, it's to intimidate the person into doing what I want, and if they don't, make them suffer for their actions; with consequences, it is to get my needs met.

2) My Strategies: The threat of punishment is one strategy, whereas an alternate strategy that can go along with consequences is to invite the person to tell me if they have any ideas of how I could get me needs met in the situation.

--

I welcome clarification and conversation about this point. I believe I could be a little bit clearer inside myself and a great deal clearer about how to express it. Any ideas?

When Empathy might not be the most Life-Serving Response

Frequently when I am teaching people empathy skills and practice, I get a question that sounds something like this:

"How could you just stand there and talk with the person endlessly if they ______," and then the person fills in the blank with any number of scenarios.



This illuminates how empathy -- whether done silently or out loud -- is actually NOT the preferred response in certain situations. So, as valuable and life-giving as empathy can be, I invite you to consider ditching empathy in the following situations and trying the alternative:

-----


SITUATION: You notice resentment or irritation when you imagine offering your empathic presence to another.

ALTERNATIVE RESPONSE: Remind yourself that the only way that empathy connects is when the listener is acting out of the joy of giving, and is meeting his or her own needs by offering the empathic presence. In other words, empathy is not a commodity that we “dole out,” but rather a compassionate embrace of the other that enriches our life.


SITUATION: You are too upset or triggered in that moment to genuinely offer your empathic presence.

ALTERNATIVE RESPONSE: Take a time out. Take a deep breath. Shine the light of empathy on yourself (“self-empathy”). Connect with your own feelings, needs and requests, and/or ask another person (not the person who triggered you) you trust to listen to you with empathy.


SITUATION: When you want to share your own truth with the person.

ALTERNATIVE RESPONSE: Express yourself honestly to them. This sometimes involves “Screaming Compassionately,” as in, “I am overwhelmed and needing to take care of myself, and I am not able to hear you right now! Can we talk again after dinner?”


SITUATION: The other person has a need that is more alive than empathy, such as information, clarity or honesty.

ALTERNATIVE RESPONSE: Tune in to the person’s present-moment need(s), and respond accordingly… rather than defaulting to or assuming that empathy is always the primary need. It can be extremely irritating to receive empathy – particularly the verbal reflection of feelings and needs – when another need is alive.


SITUATION: You fear for your physical safety or security.

ALTERNATIVE RESPONSE: Get out of there immediately and go to a safe place.


SITUATION: A person is behaving in a physically violent manner, and you believe there is imminent danger to yourself, others, or to the person him or herself.

ALTERNATIVE RESPONSE: Protective use of Force. In an emergency situation, if
you are able to, use force to stop the person from causing harm. Once the person is restrained and safety is restored, be prepared to empathically connect with the person.

Joyful RECEIVING goes along with joyful giving

One of the concepts from Nonviolent Communication (NVC), as I understand it, is that of joyful giving and receiving.

In other words, the most fun and fulfilling way to play the game of life is to contribute to the well being of others, and receive that same giving from others.



I embraced, almost from the beginning of my NVC experience in 1999, the practice of joyful giving (i.e. "contributing to the well being of others."). This brought me great joy, and continues to fuel my mission to share NVC around the globe.

There was only one little catch: I had NOT embraced the process of joyful receiving nearly as much. I continued to diminish the value of my own needs in service to others, often in subtle ways.

For instance, when I traveled to other communities to facilitate an NVC training, I would hesitate to ask to arrive a day early or stay a day late to help me with rest and restoration. Or, I would struggle to ride the local mass transit system rather than asking to get a ride from the airport.

One time, I lugged over 100 pounds of luggage several miles to the natural foods stores, and then walked several more miles to the person's house where I was staying... all because I wanted to contribute to their need for ease! (they were shocked and visibly uncomfortable when I told them what I had done!)

In the past 10 days, I have traveled to two communities to offer NVC training (Washington, DC and Cincinnati, OH), and I have made a big stretch for me -- I asked for help all along the way, and allowed others to "serve" me and meet many of my needs.

For instance, getting rides to and from the airport and bus station; staying two extra nights at someone's house; letting people buy food for me; clean up the room and do paperwork; and so on.

It's somewhat painful allowing this to happen, due to some limiting beliefs I have living inside of me: "Jeff, you SHOULD do your own work yourself... you shouldn't impose yourself on other people. You should take responsibility for yourself; after all, YOU are the one getting paid to do this! Besides, you're just taking advantage of other people's kindness and abusing your power as the workshop presenter..."

Ugh! No wonder I've been reluctant to ask for help in the past! And no wonder every few months I struggle with burnout and exhaustion. Go figure!

My body and mind feels SO relieved to be letting in the joyful receiving -- and actually seeing how others WANT to contribute to my well being, and that I am actually participating in the creation of more joy on the planet by allowing others to do this, when they are genuinely inspired to do so.

When agreements are permeable -- living NVC for real

I recently completed a weekend Nonviolent Communication workshop with my work partner, Myra Walden. We led a 2 1/2 day event titled, "Inner Peace, Inner Freedom" in Sedona, Arizona, which was videotaped.

I am excited to be able to share our work more widely by showing people how to use NVC skills to support healing and inner peace, which are skills that I see becoming more vital all the time in our ever-changing and rapidly evolving world.



In any event, this event has been a most interesting experience for me. There were at least 6 people involved in this event in some way, shape or form, ranging from facilitating, promoting, organizing, videotaping and various other logistics.

And as sometimes happens, there was some major miscommunication, and in some cases lack of communication, that contributed to a whole lot of anxiety, stress and confusion throughout.

Here is the gist: what I understood was happening before, during and after the training was different from how other people understood it would be happening. No need to go into the details, but suffice to say that there were a lot of needs on the table.

So how did I respond, both internally and externally? I had a choice to "enforce" certain agreements and refer back to certain conversations, and insist that those agreements be honored.

Frankly, that didn't feel good to me at all, because through connection, I was moved to see needs of other people involved and I genuinely wanted to contribute to their well being. Furthermore, I came to see that certain actions that I took -- or didn't take in some cases -- contributed to the misunderstanding... so even though I could have chosen to point back to certain emails or phone calls, it felt yucky for me to do that.

Essentially, we started from scratch and "renegotiated" the financial and work arrangements from scratch -- and this after Myra and I had flown there, incurred certain expenses and everything was in motion... most notably the workshop had already begun!

This represents a radical change from how I was taught to operate in our world -- iron-clad agreements that must be adhered to, and if there are not, then some form of consternation or punishment would be the consequence... and probably also severed relationships.

I actually see this often in NVC communities -- various people come together to work on a particular project, and through the course of it, they get triggered and are not able to find the resources to work through the situation, or do not have sufficient supplies of empathy, so the people become alienated and the community breaks down.

I am celebrating that all 6 of us had the wherewithal to "stay with" what was present and alive in the moment, without resorting to the static agreements that were made in the past. True, my needs for predictability and security were not well met at times, but I shifted off those needs to ones that had much more life for me -- namely, mutuality, trust and caring for everyone's needs equally.

Celebration!

New Year's Resolutions -- Why do they fail so often?

In the spirit of the season, I have been hearing a few people talk about making New Year's resolutions.

I reflected on common resolutions that people make -- to lose weight, stop smoking, be nicer to their spouse/partner, or whip themselves into shape in some fashion.



It seems like about 95% or more of the time, people are not successful at keeping their resolution. This reminds me of when I worked as a Nutritional Counselor for 5 years, and found that people's success rate at implementing my nutritional advice was very low, maybe 25% at best.

For a long time, I scratched my head and wondered why this was. I don't claim to have an expert analysis, however I suspect there is a major factor at play in both of these scenarios -- namely, that people set out to make a behavioral change with the idea that willpower alone will be sufficient for them to sustain the change.

What they don't realize is that their current behavior -- whether that is overeating, abusing alcohol or drugs (or any other addiction, for that matter), or yelling at people -- is meeting some of their needs; if it wasn't, they wouldn't be doing it in the first place.

To use willpower alone in an attempt to change behavior, even if that behavior is very harmful, is a losing game. My experience is that it's almost not even worth the effort, because virtually every time, the person cannot maintain the life changes, and through this failure blames and judges him or herself, which only exacerbates the problem.

So what might the alternative be: Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication, suggests that we might first take time to acknowledge -- and even celebrate -- that the present behavior is meeting some precious need of ours. Only once we recognize the need and accept ourself for having the need can we make positive and lasting changes.

In other words, greet our harmful behavior with love and acceptance, and resist any and all efforts to change ourselves against our will. There is always a part of us that will "rise up" in the defense of a pattern, because it got there in the first place to meet an important need of ours.

So for instance, if a person drinks alcohol to the point of harming their health and alienating him/her from the people in their life, the idea would be to connect with the "good reasons" behind the choice to drink. A person might be longing for relaxation, in agonizing tension in fact, and just doesn't know any other way to get it.

Or, some people might have a lot of self-judgment and self-deprecation happening, even tearing themselves apart inside... and drinking is the only strategy they are aware of to calm the inner demons, and experience some inner peace and freedom from the blame and judgment... just to be free from that.

That's not to say that the behavior itself (drinking more than is good for their health) is a desirable thing; in fact, it probably doesn't meet a lot of their other needs, such as health and well being, consideration for others, healing, resolution, growth or development, to name a few possibilities.

But one thing is for certain -- if people brow-beat themselves into behavioral change, and attempt to maintain that through willpower, the willpower will run out sooner or later... and probably sooner. We just cannot marshall up enough willpower to counteract an energy of a need that motivated us to do the behavior in the first place.

So my playful New Year's Resolution is to avoid making resolutions... that is, unless and until I love the part of me that is energizing whatever behavior I wish to change... and greet that part of me with love, acceptance and honor.

Once I have done that, the change takes place organically, from a place of inner connection with my power. Happy new years to al1!