Summoning up Empathy from Within (my only choice)

Last weekend, I led a 2-day NVC foundation training for 30 people in Kwan-ju, in the southern province of South Korea. There were 30 people in attendance, and aside from my interpreter, almost no one spoke English, and even the 2 or 3 who did, only spoke a little bit.

Although I started the training with lots of energy, before long I was reeling and in pain as a result of various stimuli, ranging from my difficulty connecting with people -- or even understanding what they were saying -- lots of background noise and interruptions, physical fatigue, and inner judgments about myself (example: I shouldn't be so sensitive!)

In fact, a few times I directly asked for empathy from others, and received in return almost every form of NON-empathy, including advice, being told I shouldn't feel the way I did, and even one participant admonishing me to stop talking in this way!

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention my favorite jackal response to my request for empathy: "It's not a problem for Koreans. You are only upset because you are an American -- we are fine with what's happening!"

Now, normally I have no expectation that I can depend on workshop participants for empathy, and often times I do not even ask for it; however, often I do bring that into the mix as a learning opportunity, knowing full well that I might not receive empathy and will have to rely on my own self-empathy anyway.

There was something about this experience, however, that was so stunningly non-empathic, that I am reflecting on it with great amusement!

At the time, however, I had to dig very, very deeply into myself to find empathy for how painful it was for me to feel lonely, and confused, and be needing compassion and experiencing exactly the opposite.

I am grateful that I have developed my skills for self-empathy sufficiently well that I was able to avoid jackaling anyone else, and even myself, for the most part. I took a couple of breaks, poured some pure empathy on myself, and remained present to the participants throughout the 2 days.

And I am happy to say that the feedback was mostly very positive, and I received plenty of gratitude afterward.