Can you "give" someone Empathy?

One phrase that is commonly bandied about in the NVC community is to, "give a person empathy." But let's take a closer look -- how do you actually "give" empathy to another person?

First of all, empathy is a central part of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in particular, and healthy relationships in general. To me, empathic presence has the ability to dissolve barriers between people, to heal pain, and to create a magical, transcendent experience.

What exactly is empathy? How about this definition:

Empathy is a quality of presence that one human being can offer to another by listening with a silent mind and an open heart. Rather than seeking to intellectually understand a person's experience, we enter into their frame of reference and sense what life might be like for them in that moment. We avoid feeling the others' feelings, because that is sympathy, and that doesn't have the same healing and transformational potential.



In any event, back to the original theme of this post: Is is possible to give someone empathy? I pose this question because it's been a helpful one to me as I have developed my empathic skills.

My answer is this: empathy is not a commodity to be doled out; rather, it is a certain kind of presence which, when we are in empathetic presence with another, it has a palpable affect on them... and ultimately on us also (the "provider" of empathy).

So in this sense, I do not believe it's possible to "give" a person something that has more to do with how we are with them. Of course, if by, "giving someone empathy" we mean to sit in this empathic place inside ourselves, in full acceptance and unconditional positive regard of them (a Carl Rogers term), then yes, it's possible to give someone this quality of our presence.

By the way, my experience shows me that when I am able to muster up the ability to be in empathy to another, it ends up benefitting my own well being also. Empathy seems to be very good for my health.

It reminds me of a quote I read that is attributed to Archbishop Desmond Tutu: "Forgiveness is not merely a form of altruism; it is the highest form of self-interest." When we hold a grudge against others, or hold enemy images of them in our mind, we are the ones that suffer the most.

Likewise, I find the same to be true with empathy. I like to say in my trainings, "Do yourself a favor and listen to others with empathy -- it's good for your health!"