Last Friday evening, I facilitated an open Nonviolent Communication (NVC) practice group in the St. Louis area attended by six people. What transpired could be incorporated into a horror story called, "NVC Gone Wild."One of the participants brought along his two sons, ages 14 and 10, and they arrived about 15 minutes after the announced start time, after we had begun the session. I attempted to facilitate the group with the boys present, but it quickly became apparent that it wasn't going to meet everyone's need for consideration to have them there -- particularly the 10 year-old, who appeared to be none to happy to be there in the first place, and began making quite a bit of noise playing with some toys.
I made a choice to use this as a real-life situation for everyone present to practice NVC, so I engaged in dialogue with each of the boys, with the father, and encouraged the rest of the participants to do the same... by offering empathy, expressing themselves honestly and practicing self-empathy.
What followed was about 90 minutes of back-and-forth dialogue that left everyone in the room -- myself included -- exhausted and frustrated. Two participants left early. One of the others might have, had she not carpooled with me.
What followed was about 90 minutes of back-and-forth dialogue that left everyone in the room -- myself included -- exhausted and frustrated. Two participants left early. One of the others might have, had she not carpooled with me.
Upon reflection, I realized that I had slipped into what some people call the Mean Green Meme -- a set of values defined by Spiraldynamics, which is a way to understand people's states of consciousness, and common stages they go through in their own development (this also applies to cultures as a whole).
As I understand it, this is sometimes referred to as the "mean green meme," where everyone MUST be seen as equal and treated equally, and it's absolutely unacceptable to prioritize one person's needs over another.
When I began offering trainings about 5 years ago), I would usually handle these situations like I did last Friday evening -- playing the, "everyone's needs matter equally" game and seeing what happened. The results occasionally produced a breakthrough, but most of the time ended up aggravating everyone.
Upon reflection, I probably would have handled the situation differently... such as by asking for father to take his boys to another location where their needs might be better met, and suggesting another option for him to practice NVC (such as coming to another event when he didn't have his boys with him).
It's definitely not a choice I would have made in a more formal setting, such as a business or organization, or even a full-on workshop for that matter. Interestingly to me, the very next day I led a training for 20 people through the St. Louis Community College and it flowed wonderfully -- very structured, and yet it also offered people room for practicing, asking questions, and learning.
I am fascinated by Spiraldynamics, and even with a cursory understanding of it, I feel empowered to choose more life-serving strategies that I am confident will end up meeting more needs, even if it appears to fly in the face of the Green Meme.
1 comment:
Wow -- an NVC train wreck. I didn't know that could happen. :<) I'm curious how you were and/or are feeling about this: Did you feel concern and maybe some anxiety? Wanting everyone's needs to be met? Did you have needs for equality and participation? Fulfillment and learning?
I have done some reading on Spiral Dynamics over the past few years (we've subscribed to WIE for about ten years) and often find descriptions of second tier thinking somewhat frustrating -- they mostly seem to be written from a first tier perspective. (I balk at words like "sacrifice" in relation to these paradigms.) I get the "mean green meme" idea and resonate with the descriptions of first tier thinking, but feel dissatisfied with the alternatives typically given, i.e. the whole "greater than" argument, unless "greater" is meant in a purely mathematical sense, which it often is not. Then again, I visualize the Spiral as being flat, as existing on a horizontal plane rather than a vertical one, i.e. the Spiral moves out in larger rings, not up in higher rings -- it is a perpetual expansion, rather than a climbing.
I am intrigued by the practical, concrete application of this model in the situation you describe -- I've been thinking about it since I first read your post. What is the "second tier" response? I don't see that as having anything to do with "sacrifice," but rather, perhaps, with an egoless state, of being empty of bias, perhaps? If reality is perfect in every moment, regardless of conditions, then all outcomes are an expression of that perfection; if I grasp at outcomes and strategies, I lose track of that. Sometimes learning is messy; sometimes it is uncomfortable; sometimes I don't even realize that I'm learning anything. But in the end, that is what practice is all about.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful train wreck -- my needs for stimulation, learning and joy have been met by this. (Renea, from Cincinnati)
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