Does knowing NVC mean ANY relationship can succeed?

At some point in my journey of learning and integrating Nonviolent Communication (NVC), I took on an unconscious belief that went something like this:

"If I know NVC, that means I should be able to make any relationship work. And if I can't, then that means I must be inadequate at using NVC."

Eeeks! Clearly a jackal belief, if there ever was one! And I see how holding this belief would make it all that much more difficult to sustain intimacy and closeness in relationships.

As I became aware of this belief, I developed a new view on NVC and relationships -- that NVC supports us in meeting our needs in relationships, in that we are more likely to meet our needs, and our partners, with the skills and awareness of NVC.

Furthermore, NVC assists us to see whether a particular relationship will reliably meet our needs, or whether another relationship -- or no primary relationship at all -- would better meet our needs.

This was the breakthrough for me in getting beyond the "should" and "ought to" thinking. I can see now, how life could potentially be served the most by partners ending their relationship, if they can each get their needs better met apart than together... for whatever reasons.

Having said this, I do have tremendous trust that NVC can support couples in connecting compassionately and intimately with each other. I have experienced this in my own close relationships. And usually, when people break through the blame and criticism and enemy images, love flows more readily and harmony prevails.

It's just that I want to liberate myself from any notion that NVC "should" heal any relationship and that it "should" last a lifetime.

Jeff interviewed for article in online newsletter

This summer, I was interviewed by a local NVC enthusiast for an online newsletter. The article, written by Nancy Potter, is titled, "Changing Our Communication - Can It Really Change In Our World?"

You can read the article here.

I am happy that Nancy joined me and Rhonda Mills for a recent NVC training session in St. Louis, and grateful to her for writing this article!

Brad Blanton's "Radical Honesty" and connection to NVC

Lately, I have enjoyed reading up on, and watching Youtube videos of, Brad Blanton. Blanton is the psychotherapist who developed what he calls, "Radical Honesty," with the byline, "How to transform your life by telling the truth."

I first heard about Radical Honesty about 6 months ago, when Blanton was interviewed on an NPR radio program. I was impressed, but came away with the impression that Radical Honesty was too much about making moralistic judgments of other people, rather than being radically honest in the way I see NVC guiding me to -- namely, by making myself vulnerable and sharing my rock-bottom truth in the form of my observations, feelings and needs... and avoiding making judgments of others.

I learned, however, that watching Blanton speak reminds me, in some ways, to listening to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg (the founder of NVC) speak -- clear, inspiring and something that resonates with me deeply.

Have any of you come across Radical Honesty? If so, what has your impression been?

Danger of the "Floating Observation"

Over the past several months, I have noticed a phenomenon with people learning and practicing NVC regarding observation, one of the four primary components of the practice.

It goes something like this: the person practicing NVC establishes a clear observation to begin a dialog. For example, let's say Bill is practicing NVC, and his co-worker said to him, "Bill, there is no way that you are going to get this project done in time. You should give it to me because I can get it done."

OK so far. A clear, unambiguous observation, meaning it is merely a statement of fact, and is free of subjective interpretation -- assuming his co-worker actually said that, it's a clear observation.

So now, let's imagine that the next day, Bill wants to approach his co-worker and express himself honestly about how that comment affected him. Classical NVC would guide him to begin with the above observation, then share his feelings, needs and make a request (hopefully a connection request to start with).

So far, so good. But from this point forward, I would encourage Bill to be in the present moment, which means -- among other things -- making PRESENT observations, more so than clinging to the observation from the past.

So yes, he could begin with the original observation, but then as soon as he engages with his co-worker, what does the co-worker do or say? What else happens that affects either of the parties? What does BILL do or say that creates a new observation?

For example: The co-worker, upon hearing Bill's original expression, rolls her eyes and waves her arm. This is a new observation. Therefore, Bill might then say (after some self-empathy ;-), "Bonnie, when I see you roll your eyes like that and wave your arm, I feel discouragement because of wanting respect. I'd like to know if what I'm saying makes sense... could you tell me back what you just heard me say?"

This is in contrast to ignoring the eye rolling and arm waving, and reverting back to the original observation of what she had said YESTERDAY... almost like pretending the present behavior isn't occurring.

Or another example: Bill shares with Bonnie his original expression of honesty, and Bonnie looks down at the floor, and Bill notices tears rolling down her face, and she puts her hand over her face. WOW! Now we have some new data.

Now, Bill might be motivated to say, "Whew, Bonnie, when I see you look down and I see tears in your eyes, I am moved and notice compassion in me. Could you tell me how you are feeling right now?"

Again, as opposed to quasi-ignoring the tears, and grasping onto the original observation, and saying, "Bonnie, did you hear me say how frustrated I was when you told me yesterday that I should hand the project over to you?" To me, this expression would be an example of living in the past, rather than the present.

For all the value that there is to "presencing" feelings and needs, I find it equally powerful to "presence" observations. The power of living in the present!