At some point in my journey of learning and integrating Nonviolent Communication (NVC), I took on an unconscious belief that went something like this:As I became aware of this belief, I developed a new view on NVC and relationships -- that NVC supports us in meeting our needs in relationships, in that we are more likely to meet our needs, and our partners, with the skills and awareness of NVC.
Furthermore, NVC assists us to see whether a particular relationship will reliably meet our needs, or whether another relationship -- or no primary relationship at all -- would better meet our needs.
This was the breakthrough for me in getting beyond the "should" and "ought to" thinking. I can see now, how life could potentially be served the most by partners ending their relationship, if they can each get their needs better met apart than together... for whatever reasons.
Having said this, I do have tremendous trust that NVC can support couples in connecting compassionately and intimately with each other. I have experienced this in my own close relationships. And usually, when people break through the blame and criticism and enemy images, love flows more readily and harmony prevails.
It's just that I want to liberate myself from any notion that NVC "should" heal any relationship and that it "should" last a lifetime.
2 comments:
In reading your post, I was also wondering (aside from the "shoulds") about what your mind might have meant by making a relationship "work." Sometimes, the most functional, "working" thing for a relationship to do is change, which sometimes looks like "ending" from the outside. Sometimes, this is the most effective way for all / both parties to have their needs most fully met, and what brings the greatest fulfillment or joy all the way around.
I think that it is possible, using NVC, to transition relationships into new configurations based upon the needs that all parties have -- it is not the outcome (which is a strategy) but rather the process by which those involved reach that outcome.
Both my husband and I are called upon occasionally to do mediation work, and we have both had great success in implementing NVC in situations which are, essentially, peaceful breakups (whether that be a marriage or a business partnership). These transitions need not lead to alienating feelings for any involved.
I also had the delightful opportunity to have a very friendly and amicable divorce many years back (about ten at this point) where we chose to end our relationship not because we didn't like each other, but because we liked each other so much. We were aware that both of us were not and could not have all of our needs fully met in our relationship, so we very happily ended it on the friendliest and most loving of terms. It was one of the greatest lessons of my life about the expansive nature of love.
Thanks for sharing this insight -- it is amazing how those "shoulds" can sneak into one's mind when we're not looking!
hi... i found your blog & am reading thru it. after this post, i grieved... not sure why. i've only been doing NVC for a year now, and so i guess i'm needing self-empathy to figure it out. your other posts are meeting my needs for learning & understanding. thank you.
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