The lists of universal human needs that are widely circulated among the NVC community vary somewhat, but most contain the same 90%+ needs.
My assumption is that the original list of needs was created by the founder of NVC, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, and has been adapted and revised by various trainers.
There are a few needs that appear on some "needs lists" that are dubious as to whether they are actually describing a universal element of life for all human beings.
First, allow me to offer my own definition of "need" as we define it in NVC:
"A quality of life energy that arises from inside of me, and asks for attention and fulfillment. Needs are the basic building blocks of life that are required to sustain and enrich life. They are universal in nature, meaning that all human beings share the same needs."
So, here are a few so-called "needs" that I call into question:
* validation
* approval
* emotional safety
* shared reality
Validation and approval are pretty clear-cut for me -- they are not really universal needs, because they have more to do with someone else telling me I am OK, rather than acknowledging my value from the inside-out. No problem here.
Emotional safety is a little bit more difficult. If, by emotional safety, you mean that everything and everybody has to be really nice to you all the time, and whisper sweet nothings in your ear every time you express yourself, then no, obviously emotional safety is not a need -- far from it!
I would guess that someone who says they have a need for emotional safety might have a need for acceptance (perhaps self-acceptance), or self-worth, or something like that.
Shared reality is even more dicey, to me. This one can go either way -- either a genuine universal need (in my eyes), or a pseudo need that takes us very far off track, even dangerously so. To me, shared reality is a need if you mean having companionship with others who you resonate and connect with -- people who share your interests, your lifestyle, etc.
On the other hand, shared reality can mean a very different thing. If a person or organization with authority -- take the Chinese government, for example -- says they need, "shared reality," and when their citizens do not comply with their view of the world and what is "right"... and then imprison them for speaking out, then most certainly we are not talking about a need.
Some other trainers even call into question needs such as trust (as in, "trust in what?") or respect, believing that respect is almost always an externalized need, rather than being sourced form within.
I enjoy this topic very much. Are there any other needs that, for you, are pseudo needs?
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3 comments:
Reassurance -- it is reminiscent of validation and approval, only this is a desire to have that validation verbally assured, or REassured, as the case may be. Respect has never resonated for me either -- it is just a word that doesn't have any real weight or meaning in my mind and typically seems to center around one's interpretation of the motivations behind another's actions.
Glad to see somebody else questioning "shared reality" as a universal need!
It seems like some people really *can* connect with something in it (and I don't want to judge something I have never experienced - maybe there is a different angle to it that I am not getting yet). To me, however, it usually sounds like the demand "this is how the facts look to me, and I want you to acknowledge them". So in a tough situation when somebody accuses me of doing something that in my understanding I am not doing (or vice versa), the very last thing I would do is tell him I have a need for "shared reality". I'd rather go for what it would mean to me if we had a common ground, which I trust would be much easier for him to hear.
That's how I deal with all so-called pseudo needs. I don't really see a point in teaching people which one are the "real" ones. I simply go for a deeper layer. Any need can be a strategy anyway, and behind so many needs an even deeper need can be found.
So no matter if I work with someone and he says "I need my son to clean up his room" or if somebody tells me he is needing X [a need word which in that situation sounds like a strategy to me], I simply ask:
"What would X mean to you? In what way would it make your life more wonderful?".
And without me telling him that "his son cleaning up his room" or "reassurance" (or whatever) certainly aren't "proper needs", he will experience a shift in himself noticing that really, he is so much longing for ease (relaxation,....) - and it will be easier for him to find out what he could do to have more of it.
I even like that approach for self-empathy: It's not about finding a proper need word after all, is it? And looking for the need behind the need behind the need can be so deeply rewarding...
Ariane, I am excited to hear you say the part about not educating people by saying something like, "that's not a REAL need!"... instead, I ask a very similar question that you ask: "If you had that, what would you get out of it?"
For instance: "So, if your son cleaned his room, what would you get out of it?" Or, "...what would be nice about it if he cleaned his room?"
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