Over the course of my nine years in and around the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) community, many times I have heard people refer to OFNR (Observations, Feelings, Needs and Requests) in a disparaging way, in my evaluation.
By OFNR, I am referring to the structured approach to using NVC, namely by expressing ourselves through these four primary components of the process, as described by NVC's creator, Marshall Rosenberg.
The idea is that when we use the formal approach to NVC in this fashion, it can sound phony and mechanical to others, and actually impede connection from occurring... which is the goal of NVC to begin with.
Over the past 3 or 4 years, I have been exploring how to use and teach NVC without explicitly including these four ingredients of NVC, with some success. And yet, at times, I find myself getting so "fancy" that my power of expression is diminished by trying to "dance around" the essence of OFNR.
I had recent experience teaching NVC in Japan alongside fellow certified trainer, Francois Beausoleil from Canada, in which OFNR appeared to be an absolute revolution for the participants.
We were working with an audience with very little, if any, background about NVC and furthermore, our work was being translated from English into Japanese, so for all of these reasons I elected to keep it simple this one particular day -- essentially, I taught them OFNR.
And from the looks on their faces, and the feedback they gave to me through the translators, they were awed and inspired to discover that they could live their lives through a new lens -- that of OFNR -- and express themselves to others in this way.
This was a pleasant reminder to me of the power of OFNR -- obviously not to be applied in a stiff, mechanical way -- yet beautiful in its own way. I remember Inbal Kashtan (another NVC Trainer from California) sharing a few years ago that in spite of how hard people try to AVOID using OFNR, to her, it's a beautiful language.
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I really resonate with the "beauty of OFNR" and don't see it as any more "stiff or mechanical" than any way that people habitually speak. (Meaning, all linguistic patterns are learned and conditioned -- this is just another one of them.) I have been trying for the past couple of months to "wean myself off of" OFNR, with semi-disasterous results. There is so much mental / cognitive reinforcement to HEARING the process of NVC that I find, without it, my relationships are more of less falling apart. I have this sense that I'm "not supposed to" use the OFNR model, so I have stopped, but I must say that after some experimentation it is and has caused significant amounts of suffering, disconnection, and alienation in my immediate surroundings.
I feel really sad about this, but unsure what to do about that. My personal opinion is that the OFNR model only sounds "stiff and mechanical" because it is non-normative, i.e it is not what people are used to hearing. I agree that it is "revolutionary" and can (or could, when I was still actually using it) envision a world where speaking in that way is considered "normal," as just the way that one expresses what is going on in an authentic, real, and responsible way. (Just as jackal is considered "normal" now.) Without it, at least for me, the mind / mouth connection is broken, the reinforcement of thought process slowly disappears, along with the ease and connection formerly enjoyed in relationships.
I feel hopeful that other people have found this model to be so helpful, as did I when I was using it. I feel gratitude that they received benefit and inspiration, and resonate with those feelings at the discovery of such an incredible model for communicating in a way that is, in a very real way, revolutionary. It is my wish for them that they continue to use the model as long as it brings them benefit and do not give it up (as I have) for the sake of social ease, which in the long-term has led to anything but.
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