New Year's Resolutions -- Why do they fail so often?

In the spirit of the season, I have been hearing a few people talk about making New Year's resolutions.

I reflected on common resolutions that people make -- to lose weight, stop smoking, be nicer to their spouse/partner, or whip themselves into shape in some fashion.



It seems like about 95% or more of the time, people are not successful at keeping their resolution. This reminds me of when I worked as a Nutritional Counselor for 5 years, and found that people's success rate at implementing my nutritional advice was very low, maybe 25% at best.

For a long time, I scratched my head and wondered why this was. I don't claim to have an expert analysis, however I suspect there is a major factor at play in both of these scenarios -- namely, that people set out to make a behavioral change with the idea that willpower alone will be sufficient for them to sustain the change.

What they don't realize is that their current behavior -- whether that is overeating, abusing alcohol or drugs (or any other addiction, for that matter), or yelling at people -- is meeting some of their needs; if it wasn't, they wouldn't be doing it in the first place.

To use willpower alone in an attempt to change behavior, even if that behavior is very harmful, is a losing game. My experience is that it's almost not even worth the effort, because virtually every time, the person cannot maintain the life changes, and through this failure blames and judges him or herself, which only exacerbates the problem.

So what might the alternative be: Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication, suggests that we might first take time to acknowledge -- and even celebrate -- that the present behavior is meeting some precious need of ours. Only once we recognize the need and accept ourself for having the need can we make positive and lasting changes.

In other words, greet our harmful behavior with love and acceptance, and resist any and all efforts to change ourselves against our will. There is always a part of us that will "rise up" in the defense of a pattern, because it got there in the first place to meet an important need of ours.

So for instance, if a person drinks alcohol to the point of harming their health and alienating him/her from the people in their life, the idea would be to connect with the "good reasons" behind the choice to drink. A person might be longing for relaxation, in agonizing tension in fact, and just doesn't know any other way to get it.

Or, some people might have a lot of self-judgment and self-deprecation happening, even tearing themselves apart inside... and drinking is the only strategy they are aware of to calm the inner demons, and experience some inner peace and freedom from the blame and judgment... just to be free from that.

That's not to say that the behavior itself (drinking more than is good for their health) is a desirable thing; in fact, it probably doesn't meet a lot of their other needs, such as health and well being, consideration for others, healing, resolution, growth or development, to name a few possibilities.

But one thing is for certain -- if people brow-beat themselves into behavioral change, and attempt to maintain that through willpower, the willpower will run out sooner or later... and probably sooner. We just cannot marshall up enough willpower to counteract an energy of a need that motivated us to do the behavior in the first place.

So my playful New Year's Resolution is to avoid making resolutions... that is, unless and until I love the part of me that is energizing whatever behavior I wish to change... and greet that part of me with love, acceptance and honor.

Once I have done that, the change takes place organically, from a place of inner connection with my power. Happy new years to al1!

Is NVC compatible with stereotypically conservative worldview?

Henry, a friend of mine in St. Louis, recently posed a question to me about NVC in an email exchange we were having.

I am inspired to share it in my blog, in the hopes that it will stimulate you in some positive way. As always, I welcome feedback about my musings.



> HENRY: Question: in your judgment, is a stereotypical, sociopolitically conservative worldview compatible with NVC?

JEFF: I like this question -- it challenges me and stimulates me to grow and explore this question myself.

Prior to Nonviolent Communication (NVC), I spent 5 years of my life as a progressive political activist, and gave that up because I became so hopeless and despondent that so many people appeared to be "locked into" the stereotypical, sociopolitically conservative worldview that you refer to.

My answer to your question is "Mostly." NVC enables us to focus our attention on our own needs and values, as well as onto others' needs and values, and see the divine life energy that is motivating us all to espouse whatever political views that we do.

In that way, NVC does not put forth any particular political stance or orientation -- it just seeks to illuminate the truth of us human beings, which I see as Love (Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of NVC, talks about this, too. I have heard him say that he created NVC to take the concept of love and make it real in our everyday lives.)

I find that any attitudes that seek to limit, constrict, compartmentalize or isolate the human experience of Love do not the stand the test of time when NVC consciousness is applied to them. For me, NVC shows me how to place my attention on those aspects of the human experience that are the most likely to put me in the flow of life. These aspects are often referred to as the mechanics of NVC: observations, feelings, needs and requests.

I also want to be abundantly clear that I do not believe that progressive political thinking is better than conservative thinking, even if those terms could be quantified and defined in the first place. In fact, when I was an environmental activist for those 5 years, I was absolutely fueled by "jackal thinking" that the "enemy" (i.e. anyone who held an opinion different than my own) was irresponsible, bad, or wrong-headed, and it was my job to convince them of their wrongness.

Needless to say, I was not only ineffective, I believe that I made things worse -- by irritating people, stimulating them to defend themselves and reinforce their position, and making little (if any) connection with them. I have since learned that my favorite way to gain political power -- or any kind of power with people -- is to use empathy to demonstrate that I see the divine reasons for a person holding political beliefs that are different from my own, even if I feel scared or angry about them.

Moving from the "Either/Or" to the "Both/And" paradigm

Over the past several years, one way I can describe my development as a human being is that I am releasing "either/or" thinking and embracing a "both/and" orientation.

This is so liberating!



For me, either/or thinking serves to constrict and limit me, boxing me into the corner of seemingly choosing between two things. In essence, different parts of me become "winners" and "losers," just like what happens between people with either/or thinking.

Think soon-to-be former U.S. President George Bush, when he was attempting to rally media and popular support for his warmaking in the aftermath of 9/11: "You're either with us, or you're against us."

Black and white. No middle ground. If you're not for us, we'll treat you as an enemy. This kind of language, this kind of thinking, is the origin of a lot of conflict on this earth, I believe.

When we get to thinking of others as enemies, rather than embracing the possibility that everyone's needs can get met, our abundant universe becomes very small.

On a personal level, the more that I embrace, and really buy into, the abundance paradigm, the happier I am.

And not only am I more happy -- people around me are a lot happier, too, because I can live in the balance of equally valuing BOTH of our needs. More and more, I am living in the dynamic tension of not knowing exactly how to address everyone's needs, and being OK in that tension... not bailing out, not hiding, and avoiding the "cut and run" reaction that was a hallmark of my past.

How we hold "responsibility" and "accountability" in NVC?

This weekend I am attending a training sponsored by the Mankind Project, an international men's organization that I belong to.

One of the concepts we have worked with is that of responsibility / accountability, which are things that I have held confusion about, in particular how to define them in the context of Nonviolent Communication (NVC).



One of the things that, in the past, has snagged me, is the idea that responsibility is about me blaming and criticizing someone when things don't go the way I would like -- whether that someone is another person or myself!

In other words, you are "held accountable" by having me point out to you the wrongness of your actions. Ouch!

Instead, I would like to offer definitions of responsibility and accountability in the framework of NVC, as I understand it:

1. I am 100% responsible for my actions, feelings and thoughts. Not 95%, not 99%, but one hundred percent!;

2. You are 100% responsible for your actions, feelings and thoughts.

There are no 2 ways about it -- if we fail to be clear about these first 2 points, we are doomed to recreating unhealthy patterns of relating to each other.

3. By understanding points #1 and #2, this supports me in having compassion for you. In other words, by not taking "responsibility," it frees me up to be more "responsIVE" and empathetic -- and genuinely display compassion for whatever comes alive in you in response to what I did or said; and

4. In order to meet my own need for learning and growing, I become accountable for my actions by actively seeking feedback -- by having a sincere curiosity about how you received my words or actions. And of course, it's a lot easier to open myself to feedback when I have let myself, and you, "off the hook" by not implying anyone is to blame or is wrong for what occurred.

By these definitions, the ideas of responsibility and accountability are things I want to move closer to, rather than run away from based on the old definitions based on wrong, bad, inappropriate, shame or punishment.

How about for you?

A deeper gratitude than ever before

I returned to the U.S. 2 days ago after 7 weeks in Japan and South Korea, and I have never in my life been more grateful to have access to foods that my body is used to.




Yesterday, I walked into Sevananda Natural Foods Co-op in Atlanta, GA, and bought over $200 worth of food! As I was shopping, and as I saw a food that I had not had access to for 7 weeks, I stopped and was overtaken by gratitude -- deeply appreciating the moment, as well as the foods available to me in the U.S.

In fact, some of my long-standing irritation and disgust with American culture faded, as I felt this gratitude. For all of my frustration with our culture, I am profoundly grateful for the natural foods revolution and the fact that in most cities now, I can purchase organically-growth, fresh, high-quality food -- something that, in spite of my best efforts, I was not able to do in Asia.

I am "grateful" to one of my teachers about gratitude, fellow NVC Certified Trainer Myra Walden, who, fittingly, walked into the store in the middle of one of my gratitude moments. Myra is also in Atlanta because we 2 of the 4 facilitators of a 7-day retreat called, "Cultivating Inner and Outer Peace" along with Cynthia Moe and Mark Feinknopf.

photos from teaching NVC in Korea

A collection of photos from September 2008 teaching NVC in Seoul, South Korea. This was a small group that I taught a foundation NVC workshop to. This was one of the few trainings I gave in English only (no translator), so each of these participants was fluent in English.

(this is me at the top, and below me is Hermie from the Phillipines, who is in Korea for 9 months teaching English, as many foreigners do).

Alternate views on evolution of NVC

Lately, I have been appreciating the views expressed by Conal Elliott, a member of the NVC community who lives in San Andreas, California, which is about 2 hours east of the Bay Area.

Conal maintains a blog called, "NVC Evolves: Explorations in evolving the understanding, living, and teaching of Nonviolent Communication." I highly recommend reading what he has to say about NVC -- I find his contributions to be stimulating and lead to expansiveness in me, even when I am not in agreement with what he offers (I am in alignment with him about 80% of the time).

Here is one of his recent blog posts: "Distracted by Faux Needs?" is particularly revealing to me.

Another topic I have seen Conal blog about is certification of NVC trainers, and my understanding of him is that he is very uncomfortable with certification, and suggests alternative ways to look at this issue.

Summoning up Empathy from Within (my only choice)

Last weekend, I led a 2-day NVC foundation training for 30 people in Kwan-ju, in the southern province of South Korea. There were 30 people in attendance, and aside from my interpreter, almost no one spoke English, and even the 2 or 3 who did, only spoke a little bit.

Although I started the training with lots of energy, before long I was reeling and in pain as a result of various stimuli, ranging from my difficulty connecting with people -- or even understanding what they were saying -- lots of background noise and interruptions, physical fatigue, and inner judgments about myself (example: I shouldn't be so sensitive!)

In fact, a few times I directly asked for empathy from others, and received in return almost every form of NON-empathy, including advice, being told I shouldn't feel the way I did, and even one participant admonishing me to stop talking in this way!

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention my favorite jackal response to my request for empathy: "It's not a problem for Koreans. You are only upset because you are an American -- we are fine with what's happening!"

Now, normally I have no expectation that I can depend on workshop participants for empathy, and often times I do not even ask for it; however, often I do bring that into the mix as a learning opportunity, knowing full well that I might not receive empathy and will have to rely on my own self-empathy anyway.

There was something about this experience, however, that was so stunningly non-empathic, that I am reflecting on it with great amusement!

At the time, however, I had to dig very, very deeply into myself to find empathy for how painful it was for me to feel lonely, and confused, and be needing compassion and experiencing exactly the opposite.

I am grateful that I have developed my skills for self-empathy sufficiently well that I was able to avoid jackaling anyone else, and even myself, for the most part. I took a couple of breaks, poured some pure empathy on myself, and remained present to the participants throughout the 2 days.

And I am happy to say that the feedback was mostly very positive, and I received plenty of gratitude afterward.

Are some needs really pseudo-needs?

The lists of universal human needs that are widely circulated among the NVC community vary somewhat, but most contain the same 90%+ needs.

My assumption is that the original list of needs was created by the founder of NVC, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, and has been adapted and revised by various trainers.

There are a few needs that appear on some "needs lists" that are dubious as to whether they are actually describing a universal element of life for all human beings.

First, allow me to offer my own definition of "need" as we define it in NVC:

"A quality of life energy that arises from inside of me, and asks for attention and fulfillment. Needs are the basic building blocks of life that are required to sustain and enrich life. They are universal in nature, meaning that all human beings share the same needs."

So, here are a few so-called "needs" that I call into question:
* validation
* approval
* emotional safety
* shared reality

Validation and approval are pretty clear-cut for me -- they are not really universal needs, because they have more to do with someone else telling me I am OK, rather than acknowledging my value from the inside-out. No problem here.

Emotional safety is a little bit more difficult. If, by emotional safety, you mean that everything and everybody has to be really nice to you all the time, and whisper sweet nothings in your ear every time you express yourself, then no, obviously emotional safety is not a need -- far from it!

I would guess that someone who says they have a need for emotional safety might have a need for acceptance (perhaps self-acceptance), or self-worth, or something like that.

Shared reality is even more dicey, to me. This one can go either way -- either a genuine universal need (in my eyes), or a pseudo need that takes us very far off track, even dangerously so. To me, shared reality is a need if you mean having companionship with others who you resonate and connect with -- people who share your interests, your lifestyle, etc.

On the other hand, shared reality can mean a very different thing. If a person or organization with authority -- take the Chinese government, for example -- says they need, "shared reality," and when their citizens do not comply with their view of the world and what is "right"... and then imprison them for speaking out, then most certainly we are not talking about a need.

Some other trainers even call into question needs such as trust (as in, "trust in what?") or respect, believing that respect is almost always an externalized need, rather than being sourced form within.

I enjoy this topic very much. Are there any other needs that, for you, are pseudo needs?

OFNR gets a bad name, but is revolutionary

Over the course of my nine years in and around the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) community, many times I have heard people refer to OFNR (Observations, Feelings, Needs and Requests) in a disparaging way, in my evaluation.

By OFNR, I am referring to the structured approach to using NVC, namely by expressing ourselves through these four primary components of the process, as described by NVC's creator, Marshall Rosenberg.

The idea is that when we use the formal approach to NVC in this fashion, it can sound phony and mechanical to others, and actually impede connection from occurring... which is the goal of NVC to begin with.

Over the past 3 or 4 years, I have been exploring how to use and teach NVC without explicitly including these four ingredients of NVC, with some success. And yet, at times, I find myself getting so "fancy" that my power of expression is diminished by trying to "dance around" the essence of OFNR.

I had recent experience teaching NVC in Japan alongside fellow certified trainer, Francois Beausoleil from Canada, in which OFNR appeared to be an absolute revolution for the participants.

We were working with an audience with very little, if any, background about NVC and furthermore, our work was being translated from English into Japanese, so for all of these reasons I elected to keep it simple this one particular day -- essentially, I taught them OFNR.

And from the looks on their faces, and the feedback they gave to me through the translators, they were awed and inspired to discover that they could live their lives through a new lens -- that of OFNR -- and express themselves to others in this way.

This was a pleasant reminder to me of the power of OFNR -- obviously not to be applied in a stiff, mechanical way -- yet beautiful in its own way. I remember Inbal Kashtan (another NVC Trainer from California) sharing a few years ago that in spite of how hard people try to AVOID using OFNR, to her, it's a beautiful language.

Jeff teaches Nonviolent Communication (NVC) at university in Tokyo, Japan

On Thursday, I gave a 1 hour, 45 minute lecture to students at the International Christian University (ICU) in Tokyo. I was invited by Professori Mori, who teaches a class on international relations.

Hideayaki and Haruno, two of my Japanese friends, made this connection with ICU, and I am grateful.

(photo taken by Ken Anno-- thank you, Ken)

In preparation for the lecture, I reminded myself of something very useful I learned from Miki Kashtan a couple of year ago -- that people who attend an introduction to NVC are not necessarily interested in, or committed to, learning the skill sets of NVC (e.g. Observation, Feeling, Need and Request).

And I have found this to be especially true for groups -- such as this university class -- who do not deliberately choose to attend a training, but instead it is selected for them. The most extreme case of this is when I have been invited to give a training at a workplace, and the employees are "required" to attend -- this often creates an attitude of resentment and resistance even before I arrive, which I then am faced with once I get there.

In this class, obviously, the students had some degree of "buy-in" because they voluntarily signed up for the course as a whole. And to my extreme delight, my needs for receptivity and partnership and inspiration were very, very deeply satisfied.

The students, while they did not speak very much, seemed very engaged, and I sensed this based on their eye contact, facial expressions and nonverbal communication, including whenever I asked them to do something, they all agreed (which met my need for trust).

From the start, one of my favorite places to share NVC is in a university setting, which strikes me as somewhat odd -- even to myself -- because sometimes the institutional structure of universities sometimes makes it harder to establish heart connection.

Jeff shares NVC in Japan at Asian Rural Institute

On my first full day in Japan, I led a day-long training at the Asian Rural Institute (ARI), for 25 people from 12 different countries in Africa and Asia.

All of them them, as far as I know, spoke English as a second language, and because there were so many different languages among them -- and because ARI's programs are all in English -- there was no interpreter.

It was quite challenging for me, as I had to speak VERY basic English in order for them to understand me. I used about 20% of my normal vocabulary, and spoke twice as slowly as I normally do... which was quite an adjustment.

I was most struck by the personal stories the participants shared, for example three people from Myanmar (formerly known as Burma), who told of their encounters with the military government police, who struck them and others they know with the blunt end of their rifles, and who were punished for being on the street after 10 p.m.

It was rather difficult for them to "take in" the ideas of Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication, and my guess is that it's because they need a ton of empathy for how painful it is to live under these regimes.




Nonetheless, in spite of this, as well as the language difficulty, the feedback forms indicated that nearly everyone really enjoyed my presentation, which included several role play examples with the giraffe and jackal puppets, and plenty of empathy that I offered to the participants.

Again, it was quite a challenge to offer verbal empathy, as I reduced my available words by 80%, and yet I still enjoyed it and sensed that it connected with some people.

Does knowing NVC mean ANY relationship can succeed?

At some point in my journey of learning and integrating Nonviolent Communication (NVC), I took on an unconscious belief that went something like this:

"If I know NVC, that means I should be able to make any relationship work. And if I can't, then that means I must be inadequate at using NVC."

Eeeks! Clearly a jackal belief, if there ever was one! And I see how holding this belief would make it all that much more difficult to sustain intimacy and closeness in relationships.

As I became aware of this belief, I developed a new view on NVC and relationships -- that NVC supports us in meeting our needs in relationships, in that we are more likely to meet our needs, and our partners, with the skills and awareness of NVC.

Furthermore, NVC assists us to see whether a particular relationship will reliably meet our needs, or whether another relationship -- or no primary relationship at all -- would better meet our needs.

This was the breakthrough for me in getting beyond the "should" and "ought to" thinking. I can see now, how life could potentially be served the most by partners ending their relationship, if they can each get their needs better met apart than together... for whatever reasons.

Having said this, I do have tremendous trust that NVC can support couples in connecting compassionately and intimately with each other. I have experienced this in my own close relationships. And usually, when people break through the blame and criticism and enemy images, love flows more readily and harmony prevails.

It's just that I want to liberate myself from any notion that NVC "should" heal any relationship and that it "should" last a lifetime.

Jeff interviewed for article in online newsletter

This summer, I was interviewed by a local NVC enthusiast for an online newsletter. The article, written by Nancy Potter, is titled, "Changing Our Communication - Can It Really Change In Our World?"

You can read the article here.

I am happy that Nancy joined me and Rhonda Mills for a recent NVC training session in St. Louis, and grateful to her for writing this article!

Brad Blanton's "Radical Honesty" and connection to NVC

Lately, I have enjoyed reading up on, and watching Youtube videos of, Brad Blanton. Blanton is the psychotherapist who developed what he calls, "Radical Honesty," with the byline, "How to transform your life by telling the truth."

I first heard about Radical Honesty about 6 months ago, when Blanton was interviewed on an NPR radio program. I was impressed, but came away with the impression that Radical Honesty was too much about making moralistic judgments of other people, rather than being radically honest in the way I see NVC guiding me to -- namely, by making myself vulnerable and sharing my rock-bottom truth in the form of my observations, feelings and needs... and avoiding making judgments of others.

I learned, however, that watching Blanton speak reminds me, in some ways, to listening to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg (the founder of NVC) speak -- clear, inspiring and something that resonates with me deeply.

Have any of you come across Radical Honesty? If so, what has your impression been?

Danger of the "Floating Observation"

Over the past several months, I have noticed a phenomenon with people learning and practicing NVC regarding observation, one of the four primary components of the practice.

It goes something like this: the person practicing NVC establishes a clear observation to begin a dialog. For example, let's say Bill is practicing NVC, and his co-worker said to him, "Bill, there is no way that you are going to get this project done in time. You should give it to me because I can get it done."

OK so far. A clear, unambiguous observation, meaning it is merely a statement of fact, and is free of subjective interpretation -- assuming his co-worker actually said that, it's a clear observation.

So now, let's imagine that the next day, Bill wants to approach his co-worker and express himself honestly about how that comment affected him. Classical NVC would guide him to begin with the above observation, then share his feelings, needs and make a request (hopefully a connection request to start with).

So far, so good. But from this point forward, I would encourage Bill to be in the present moment, which means -- among other things -- making PRESENT observations, more so than clinging to the observation from the past.

So yes, he could begin with the original observation, but then as soon as he engages with his co-worker, what does the co-worker do or say? What else happens that affects either of the parties? What does BILL do or say that creates a new observation?

For example: The co-worker, upon hearing Bill's original expression, rolls her eyes and waves her arm. This is a new observation. Therefore, Bill might then say (after some self-empathy ;-), "Bonnie, when I see you roll your eyes like that and wave your arm, I feel discouragement because of wanting respect. I'd like to know if what I'm saying makes sense... could you tell me back what you just heard me say?"

This is in contrast to ignoring the eye rolling and arm waving, and reverting back to the original observation of what she had said YESTERDAY... almost like pretending the present behavior isn't occurring.

Or another example: Bill shares with Bonnie his original expression of honesty, and Bonnie looks down at the floor, and Bill notices tears rolling down her face, and she puts her hand over her face. WOW! Now we have some new data.

Now, Bill might be motivated to say, "Whew, Bonnie, when I see you look down and I see tears in your eyes, I am moved and notice compassion in me. Could you tell me how you are feeling right now?"

Again, as opposed to quasi-ignoring the tears, and grasping onto the original observation, and saying, "Bonnie, did you hear me say how frustrated I was when you told me yesterday that I should hand the project over to you?" To me, this expression would be an example of living in the past, rather than the present.

For all the value that there is to "presencing" feelings and needs, I find it equally powerful to "presence" observations. The power of living in the present!

Pain of unmet needs vs. Beauty of needs

Recently a colleague of mine from the Center for Nonviolent Communication -- fellow certified trainer Glenda Mattinson from Toronto -- posted two quotes that, to me, illustrates the difference between two orientations to practicing Nonviolent Communication.

This distinction is expressed through a term that I attribute to Robert Gonzales and Susan Skye of the NVC Training Institute: "The Pain of Unmet Needs" versus the, "Beauty of Needs."

The two quotes Glenda shared were from Martin Seligman, Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania and author of the books, "Learned Helplessness" and, "Learned Optimism." Seligman is one of the leaders of the "Positive Psychology" movement:

"A chilly, negative mood activates a battle-stations mode of thinking: the order of the day is to focus on what is wrong and then eliminate it. A positive mood, in contrast, buoys people into a way of thinking that is creative, tolerant, constructive, generous, undefensive and lateral. This way of thinking.probably even occurs in a different part of the brain and has a different neurochemistry from thinking under negative mood."

"When we are in a positive mood, people like us better, and friendship, love, and coalitions are more likely to cement. In contrast to the constrictions of negative emotion, our mental set is expansive, tolerant, and creative. We are open to new ideas and new experience."

I am inspired by these statements, because they remind me about where I want my attention to be: on the vision of how I would like to create a more wonderful experience of life for myself and others.

While it is true that I often become aware of my needs through their "unmetness" -- or in other words, through uncomfortable feelings in my body -- I have found that it doesn't do me much good to meditate on the "unfulfilled" state of my needs for very long at all.

Just yesterday, I had an interaction with an employee of a grocery store, and I noticed discomfort in me about our interaction. My first impulse was to judge the employee, and I evaluated him as being, "not very warm." Quickly, I realized I had made a judgment, so I tried to translate my judgment into needs.

I found that my need, obviously enough in this case, was for warmth. So I said to myself, my interaction with this man doesn't meet my need for warmth. I noticed a slight shift inside of me, but for the most part, I was still in pain, and still in judgment of this man, thinking that he, "should be more warm."

Yikes!

I found myself right back on the judgmental thinking loop. About 30 seconds later, I realized that I had not yet translated the pain of my unmet need into the energetic essence of the need itself (warmth). So I meditated on the need for warmth itself, and before long, I found myself wanting to reach out to others with warmth, and gravitate to those people I have experienced warmth with.

A much more positive experience, to say the least!

NVC from the eyes of St. Louis community activist

I spent 5 years of my life as a political activist and community organizer , ranging from the end of my undergraduate years at Bowling Green State University (Ohio) into my mid- to late-20s.

During this time, I ate, breathed and lived social change -- I found meaning in seeking to transform social and political structures that I saw as unhealthy and authoritarian. While these days I focus my social change efforts on sharing Nonviolent Communication, I still enjoy staying connected to others' efforts at creating change.

I have made an acquaintance/friend in St. Louis over the last year, Konstantin, who among other things, volunteers with the Community Media and Arts Project, where Rhonda Mills and I recently led an 8-week class series on NVC.

Anyway, Konstantin recently wrote an article about NVC in the monthly, St. Louis-area journal Confluence titled, "Compassionate Communication: Killing the Cop in our Heads."

I enjoyed several things that Konstantin wrote, including:

"[NVC] is an attempt to deconstruct the domination/submission structure in language and instead create connections of compassion, cooperation, understanding, and respect."

"...we can use NVC to create sustainable social networks--things that affirm life rather than alienate us from each other... It has the power to drastically change the world we live in by challenging oppressive social systems (even within radical groups) through connecting with what’s alive in us and others."

I am particularly excited about this last quote, because in my work with social change groups, frequently I would find that the very methods the groups were using to transform social institutions were based on the same kind of thinking that created those institutions: thinking in terms of right/wrong; good/bad; appropriate/inappropriate; benevolent/evil; etc.

I am hopeful that NVC can empower social change activists to create a certain kind of social change that is lasting and sustainable, and is based on equally valuing everyone's needs in the process. In short, I want to see effective social change, where somehow we inspire people to see how they are interconnected and interdependent, and they willingly change their behavior because they can see how changing contributes to their own well-being, as well as the well-being of others.

Finally, I am excited to see Konstantin's article because I experience companionship in spreading NVC consciousness in St. Louis! Rhonda Mills and I have been organizing quite a few workshops and presentations over the past 2.5 years, and I'm especially happy to see NVC spreading virally, through others involved in other groups.

The beauty of NVC language

I have been spending a lot of effort in the past few years attempting to make Nonviolent Communication (NVC) language more, "street friendly."

Today, however, I took time to appreciate how my need for beauty and elegance is frequently met by classical NVC language.

Don't get me wrong -- I do recognize the tremendous value of making NVC language accessible and free of jargon -- in order to connect with others by using words they are familiar with.

Nonetheless, I have come across several people lately who have used more words than I enjoy, and thank goodness I knew how to reply to them in NVC. And yes, I used classical NVC language, and it created connection!

I said something like, "Person, whoa... whoa... as I'm listening to you speak, I feel a growing uneasyness because I am wanting more mutuality and balance. Would you pause for a moment, and let me tell you back what I've heard so far, and see if I'm getting what you are telling me?"

As far as I can tell, that is -- more or less -- language that utilizes the NVC formula... the very thing that I often encourage more advanced NVC practitioners to avoid!

I remember what I heard a couple of years ago from fellow NVC certified trainer, Inbal Kashtan, from California on this topic. What I recall her saying is something like, "... I don't want to do away with NVC language -- it's a beautiful language... it contributes to such beauty in my life."

What's in a name? (I'm not a violent person!)

I attended a 2-day workshop by NVC founder, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, in Santa Barbara, CA in 2005. I was struck by something he said -- that if he had to do it all over again, he wouldn't call the process he pioneered, "Nonviolent Communication."

Immediately I recalled dozens of people who had said to me -- upon hearing me tell them about NVC -- something like, "I'm not a violent person, so that's not for me."

In the 1960's, when Dr. Rosenberg was first developing what became NVC, the term, "nonviolent" was more in people's consciousness due to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s work in civil rights, and not long prior was Mohandas Ghandi's nonviolent protests in India. My guess is that many people understood the term, "nonviolent" to mean a form of active, powerful social change, whether they agreed with the principles of King or Gandhi.

In the years since, my guess is that the term, "nonviolent" has lost its luster, and people take it more for the literal meaning of, "lacking physical violence" rather than the general sense we see it in NVC, as any kind of thinking or communication that alienates us from the life in ourselves or others.

In any event, Dr. Rosenberg said that if he had to do it all over again, he would have named the process, "Compassionate Communication," or, "Life-Enriching Communication." (see his book title by a similar name). I like both of these terms, and have frequently made use of the former in my own NVC trainings.

But even though Compassionate Communication seems to be an improvement over Nonviolent Communication, it still doesn't fully convey the power of this process to radically transform our lives and the society we live in. While people generally like the idea of compassion, many still seem to associate it with weakness, passivity, or ineffectiveness.

In the past 24 hours, I have come across two new names for NVC, one by Steve Meyerhardt of Columbia, MO, who attended an NVC retreat in Santa Cruz, CA, and learned the term, "Conscious Communication." Boy, I sure like that one!

And I was visiting the website of NVC Certified Trainer Gregg Kendrick from Charlottesville, VA and he refers to NVC in his trainings with businesses and organizations as, "Connecting Communication." I can see how that term would be less "loaded" for business cultures.

I'm going to "try on" these new names for NVC, but at the moment, I am most excited about, "Conscious Communication" -- thank you, Steve!

Can you "give" someone Empathy?

One phrase that is commonly bandied about in the NVC community is to, "give a person empathy." But let's take a closer look -- how do you actually "give" empathy to another person?

First of all, empathy is a central part of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in particular, and healthy relationships in general. To me, empathic presence has the ability to dissolve barriers between people, to heal pain, and to create a magical, transcendent experience.

What exactly is empathy? How about this definition:

Empathy is a quality of presence that one human being can offer to another by listening with a silent mind and an open heart. Rather than seeking to intellectually understand a person's experience, we enter into their frame of reference and sense what life might be like for them in that moment. We avoid feeling the others' feelings, because that is sympathy, and that doesn't have the same healing and transformational potential.



In any event, back to the original theme of this post: Is is possible to give someone empathy? I pose this question because it's been a helpful one to me as I have developed my empathic skills.

My answer is this: empathy is not a commodity to be doled out; rather, it is a certain kind of presence which, when we are in empathetic presence with another, it has a palpable affect on them... and ultimately on us also (the "provider" of empathy).

So in this sense, I do not believe it's possible to "give" a person something that has more to do with how we are with them. Of course, if by, "giving someone empathy" we mean to sit in this empathic place inside ourselves, in full acceptance and unconditional positive regard of them (a Carl Rogers term), then yes, it's possible to give someone this quality of our presence.

By the way, my experience shows me that when I am able to muster up the ability to be in empathy to another, it ends up benefitting my own well being also. Empathy seems to be very good for my health.

It reminds me of a quote I read that is attributed to Archbishop Desmond Tutu: "Forgiveness is not merely a form of altruism; it is the highest form of self-interest." When we hold a grudge against others, or hold enemy images of them in our mind, we are the ones that suffer the most.

Likewise, I find the same to be true with empathy. I like to say in my trainings, "Do yourself a favor and listen to others with empathy -- it's good for your health!"

Jeff's Regression to the "Mean Green Meme"

Last Friday evening, I facilitated an open Nonviolent Communication (NVC) practice group in the St. Louis area attended by six people. What transpired could be incorporated into a horror story called, "NVC Gone Wild."

One of the participants brought along his two sons, ages 14 and 10, and they arrived about 15 minutes after the announced start time, after we had begun the session. I attempted to facilitate the group with the boys present, but it quickly became apparent that it wasn't going to meet everyone's need for consideration to have them there -- particularly the 10 year-old, who appeared to be none to happy to be there in the first place, and began making quite a bit of noise playing with some toys.

I made a choice to use this as a real-life situation for everyone present to practice NVC, so I engaged in dialogue with each of the boys, with the father, and encouraged the rest of the participants to do the same... by offering empathy, expressing themselves honestly and practicing self-empathy.

What followed was about 90 minutes of back-and-forth dialogue that left everyone in the room -- myself included -- exhausted and frustrated. Two participants left early. One of the others might have, had she not carpooled with me.

Upon reflection, I realized that I had slipped into what some people call the Mean Green Meme -- a set of values defined by Spiraldynamics, which is a way to understand people's states of consciousness, and common stages they go through in their own development (this also applies to cultures as a whole).

As I understand it, this is sometimes referred to as the "mean green meme," where everyone MUST be seen as equal and treated equally, and it's absolutely unacceptable to prioritize one person's needs over another.

When I began offering trainings about 5 years ago), I would usually handle these situations like I did last Friday evening -- playing the, "everyone's needs matter equally" game and seeing what happened. The results occasionally produced a breakthrough, but most of the time ended up aggravating everyone.

Upon reflection, I probably would have handled the situation differently... such as by asking for father to take his boys to another location where their needs might be better met, and suggesting another option for him to practice NVC (such as coming to another event when he didn't have his boys with him).

It's definitely not a choice I would have made in a more formal setting, such as a business or organization, or even a full-on workshop for that matter. Interestingly to me, the very next day I led a training for 20 people through the St. Louis Community College and it flowed wonderfully -- very structured, and yet it also offered people room for practicing, asking questions, and learning.

I am fascinated by Spiraldynamics, and even with a cursory understanding of it, I feel empowered to choose more life-serving strategies that I am confident will end up meeting more needs, even if it appears to fly in the face of the Green Meme.

Why are jackals funny?

Ever since I saw Nonviolent Communication trainer Kelly Bryson animate the jackal and giraffe puppets in my first training in 1999, I have been captivated by the imagery and the FUN the puppets have brought to my learning.

I must say, I particularly enjoy wearing the jackal puppet when I play around in trainings, for example when I do role play examples or pretend to "jackal myself" (judge and blame myself, or imply there is something wrong with me).

In fact, in 2007 I led a training in Grand Rapids, MI and my friend (and the workshop's host) Norm Williams, and he commented about how much fun I seemed to have, and how alive I became, when I animated the jackal puppet.

As long as I am operating with an awareness that I am in jackal consciousness, and that I have a choice to be in life-connected consciousness, playing the jackal can be hilarious and energizing! And most of all, funny.

If you have attended NVC trainings, have you ever noticed how funny it seems to others when someone actually lets their jackal messages out of the bag? I have long been struck by this, and found this piece by Gina Lawrie and Bridget Belgrave -- creators of the NVC Dance Floors -- about why jackals are funny:

"Why are jackals funny? There is often a lot of laughter when people express the inner jackal step. We have found that people experience relief through being honest, in jackal, and expressing what is actually already in their minds.

‘Nice’ people normally try to avoid acknowledging that they are thinking in jackal, and put in some effort not to say it out loud. So it releases blocked energy, to voice it, and the relief and recognition brings the laughter.

Also, inner jackals are fairly universal, so many participants will recognise their own suppressed thoughts as they listen to the dancer’s jackal. There is something about naked truth and this jackal honesty that brings laughter. The laughter is often tinged with a squirmy, painful recognition of one’s own unhelpful habits of communication.

Some people laugh out of embarrassment. They think it’s bad even to think in jackal and feel ashamed to admit to doing so. Once there is space to listen compassionately to the jackal voices, suppressed energy surfaces. Some of the laughter may come from that energy coming alive.

You will often see colour come into the dancer’s face and other physical signs that life-energy stirring and rising, when a dancer is on the jackal step. This is one reason why the puppets work so well in a training, as the jackal puppet facilitates this rise and release of energy."

* The preceding quote by Gina and Bridget comes from their Facilitator's Guide for the NVC Dance Floors (which I distribute in North America), which I have learned the most about how to facilitate NVC experiences for others.

The sweetness of Empathy from another

Yesterday, I took the initiative to call a friend and ask for empathy from him. It was incredibly sweet and nurturing for me to have the experience of being heard and seen, totally absent of judgment or any of the forms of communication that block empathy.

Edward Titchenor once defined empathy as, "a sense of kinesthetic imagination," and that is what I experienced from my friend -- that he entered my frame of reference not just in an intellectual sense, but in an active, living way.

This might not seem like a noteworthy event, however for me, it was very significant. While in years past, I regularly set up "empathy calls" with others so that I could receive the healing and nourishing qualities of empathy, in the past couple of years I have been relying almost entirely on myself for empathy.

And while my skills at self-empathy have strengthened, I had virtually forgotten about asking others for empathy -- even when I have been stuck or wallowing in a state of misery.

Upon reflection, I think I know why: I have been "telling myself" that I am an NVC trainer, and that NVC trainers "should" be able to provide empathy for themselves, and that they "shouldn't" have to rely upon empathy from external sources for their well-being.

Yikes! Ouch! That jackal thinking* can be sneaky and pernicious, and in this case my jackals inhibited me getting this precious and life-giving need of empathy fulfilled.

Of course, if I'm not careful, then my jackal mind is likely to "jackal myself" for not being more aware of this before now! This is what I call the, "double jackal syndrome," meaning that once I realize that I have been in jackal thinking, then I judge and blame myself for not knowing any better, or for being a lousy giraffe.

Thankfully, I have awareness in this moment of this syndrome, so I can playfully blog about it. :-)



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* "Jackal" is a playful metaphor we use in NVC to describe any language that separates or alienates us from the life within ourself or others.

NVC gets to the essence of life

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a way of life disguised as a communication practice.

Frequently people's entryway into NVC is as a training in communication skills or conflict resolution. While I find this to be true, it barely scratches the surface about the potential and essence of NVC as a spiritual practice or way of life.

More and more, I regard NVC as a, "moment by moment spiritual practice," which requires of me to be in the present moment in every moment. Many spiritual practices teach this concept, so there seems to be some consistency with this idea as leading to a more fulfilling life.

And while I have been influenced by various other spiritual approaches -- for instance Buddhism, meditation, yoga, New Thought/Unity, and others -- there is something about how NVC captures the essence of these spiritualities and presents them in a doable, learnable and teachable format.

I am profoundly grateful to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of NVC, for assembling these various spiritual principles into a system that is now formally known as Nonviolent Communication.

Dance of Communication -- two recent events

I just completed a 12-day trip to Columbus, Ohio and Princeton, New Jersey with fellow NVC trainer Gina Lawrie from England. Gina and I co-facilitated two 3-day NVC Dance Floors trainings attended by a total of 60 participants between the two events.

My partner, Rhonda Mills, joined us as an assistant trainer for the Ohio event, at which we not only presented the Dance Floors, but also incorporated a "floating track" for facilitators and people coaching others in NVC processes.

One of my favorite comments ever during a feedback session from a training I led came from Dave Russell (who led a laugher session on one of the breaks) from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, who attended the Ohio training.

Referring to how Gina and I integrated the basic track and more advanced track, I heard Dave say that he deeply appreciated how we combined the tracks -- which are traditionally offered as separate experiences -- and avoided the creation of "haves" and "have nots."

I cherish that comment, because that is one of my deepest wishes is to create a welcoming, inclusive and sacred container for trainings in which to share the precious work of NVC.

Is Mourning a need or a process?

Lately in my own practice of NVC, I have been emphasizing mourning as a means of healing and transformation. The more deeply I delve into mourning, the more richness I am finding.

And truthfully, I have found that empathy alone is often not adequate for me to move through a difficult or painful situation, no matter how clearly I identify my needs, or connect with the energy of them.

It's important for me to fully give myself up to the painful feelings that arise in relation to unmet needs... especially needs that have been chronically unmet, or long-standing unmet needs. So here is my new working definition of "mourning" in NVC language:

Mourning: Being with the feelings associated with unmet needs. Entering fully the experience of these feelings. Surrendering to the process and trusting in your heart's ability to feel pain, and yet you remaining whole in the process. In the mourning, there is healing, freedom and liberation.

Impact of Jackal Institutions

Today I have been thinking about the effect upon us from living and working in Jackal organizations. For those of you who might not be familiar with the term, "jackal," here is a definition I like from NVC trainer LaChelle Charde:

"In NVC we use the term jackal to refer to any type of thinking, language, or behavior that disconnects from feelings and needs. Some common forms of jackal language and thinking include: judgment (“you are a loving person”), demands (“I don’t care what you want, just do as I say!”), denial of responsibility (“I have to, it’s my job”), and deserve (“You deserve a promotion”)."

Approximately three years ago I said "goodbye" to my last jackal workplace (i.e. my job). While this particular workplace had many attributes that I appreciated, and many people who shared my values, in essence it operated like most organizations in this world -- under the domination paradigm.

Walter Wink writes extensively on this topic, and also NVC founder Marshall Rosenberg often speaks about the difference between the domination paradigm and the partnership paradigm.

I have created a chart that differentiates these two paradigms and you can see it here (PDF) or here (Word).

In any event, I see a number of my friends and colleagues who are involved with NVC attempting to live in both worlds -- holding a job in a jackal institution while also sharing NVC part-time... and the craziness this can create in our lives.

I spent the better part of 9 months nearly going insane myself -- working my day job from 9-5 four days per week, and squeezing in teaching NVC in the evenings and weekends. I became incredibly fatigued, not just due to working 60+ hours per week, but largely from attempting to navigate these two paradigms, back-and-forth, on an ongoing basis.

Recently, I led a teleclass through the NVC Academy designed to support and assist people wishing to make NVC a livelihood. I feel hopeful that I can help others establish a sustainable income stream so that they can minimize the craziness I experienced.

NVC Barnstorming Tour

Lately I have been both exhilirated and overwhelmed by the amount of NVC training I have been facilitating. At the moment, it's Saturday evening and I just completed 1 1/2 days of a 2 1/2 day training in St. Louis, MO with my partner, Rhonda Mills.

We have a group of approximately 15 participants, including people from Iowa; Chicago, IL; Carbondale, IL; and Indianapolis, IN. I am enjoying the ease with which I find myself modeling NVC skills and living the consciousness -- all of this dedicated effort since April 1999 is paying off for me!

Over the past month, I have led a number of NVC sessions -- for the Community Arts and Media Project; 2 sessions at the Soul-Esteem Center; 3 for social workers in Southern Illinois; 2 for a Religious Science Church in St. Louis; for Earthsave in Cincinnati; and now this weekend training.

I feel gratitude for being able to give my deepest gifts through this work, and living in alignment with my mission in life. Now my task is to learn how to remain in balance, given that I have more available work than I have time to do.

Are Jackals "Bad?"

In NVC circles, we use the jackal as a symbol for language that separates and alienates from the life in ourselves and others.

Myself, I cherish and adore the use of animal symbols and puppets for teaching purposes -- they create aliveness and playfulness that contribute to connection in many learning environments.

Yesterday, after a 2-hour presentation of NVC for Earthsave of Cincinnati, Ohio, one woman expressed to me her discomfort with casting the jackal as a "bad" animal, and worried that this might actually translate to real-life jackals being punished or harmed as a result.

I am grateful for her feedback, because it reminded me of how much I want to be clear when using these animal symbols that there is no such thing as "good" or "bad" when living NVC consciousness.

In my view, to suggest that Jackal communication is "bad" is to reinforce the very kind of thinking we are trying to transform when we practice NVC! ...the kind of thinking that would lead us to "jackal" ourselves whenever we are unable to muster giraffe consciousness.

Nonetheless, it can be challenging for me to be entirely free of dualistic thinking around Jackal and Giraffe consciousness (another way to say this is Life-Alienated and Life-Serving communication). Despite my continual reminders to myself, occasionally I still fall into the trap of thinking that Jackals are bad and Giraffes are good. Eeks!

Coming back to this woman's concern about wild jackals being treated in violent ways -- I share that concern, and want to continue to liberate myself from any dualistic thinking about jackals so that I can purely present these animal symbols as two ways to approach communication, with predictable consequences, rather than a right way and a wrong way.

Experience of Community with Like-Minded, Like-Hearted folk

Last night I co-facilitated a monthly NVC community practice session with my partner, Rhonda Mills, at the home of our friends, Jim and Michelle.

Nine people participated, and I enjoy this group so much because it is informal, practice-oriented, and an experience of community that nourishes me. Since I moved to St. Louis nearly 2 years ago, I have been frequently been lonely for like-minded, like-hearted community.

Part of that is due to my intense and frequent travel schedule, both for NVC trainings I present all over (both in the U.S. and now in Japan and Korea) and for the first year for my graduate program in Spiritual Psychology I traveled for 9 times each year to the Los Angeles, CA area.

And yet, it has also been a struggle for me to connect with people in St. Louis who share my values and visions about life. Last night was a very, very nurturing experience of connecting with others who are on a similar path. I am celebrating community and the joy that it brings to me!

Apparently able to muster enough presence

On Tuesday of this week, I facilitated the first session of a 4-week class at the Soul-Esteem Center, a New Thought-oriented church in the St. Louis area. The co-founder and lead minister, Phyllis Clay-Sparks, uses the term, "spiritual confidence," which is inspiring to me.

I went to this class tired, spent, and a little burned out from a lot of trainings lately, and honestly was worried that I would be able to muster enough presence in order to connect with the participants and give them a taste of the magic of Nonviolent Communication.

In fact, I arrived just a few minutes prior to the class start time, only to find several of the participants wandering around the building, attempting to get inside -- except I had the key to open it. Quite an auspicious beginning!

Thankfully, I remembered something that have been a saving grace for me countless times when presenting NVC -- my own vulnerability. I didn't have much in my tank other than this, so I began the class by telling people my name and my present feelings and needs. I said something along the lines of, "Hi, my name is Jeff Brown, and I am the facilitator of this class. I am feeling a great deal of anxiety and nervousness, both because I don't know any of you and I long for connection; and also because I feel agitated from not taking care of myself. In fact, I am mourning how I have not been nurturing myself and feel scared that this might impact your experience of the class tonight. I'm curious how it is for all of you to hear this -- could a few of you tell me how you feel right now, after hearing me tell you this?"

What happened is what usually happens -- a long silence. Having gained some energy from revealing myself vulnerably, I had enough energy to silently empathize with people. I imagined that they were somewhat shocked to hear a presenter begin a class in this fashion; that they were integrating what they heard and needed a little bit of time to process it; and also that they might be feeling nervous about revealing their own feelings to other people they didn't know yet either.

I remained in silent empathy for what I would guess was 20 or 30 seconds -- it seemed like a half an hour! -- and eventually someone spoke and told me that it was refreshing for them to hear the "authority figure" (i.e. the teacher) be so open about his/her feelings like that. Another person chimed it and said that it helped them relax and feel more comfortable being there.

I am continually struck by the, "Power of Vulnerable Honesty," and the effect it seems to have on relationships. My friend and fellow NVC trainer, Glenda Mattinson from Toronto, calls it, "Compassionate Honesty," and I like that term very much, too.

I have found that I become a very powerful being when I am able and willing to open myself up and share what's inside of my heart, absent any blame or judgment of others (or of myself). This represents a radical shift from what I was taught as a boy -- namely, that vulnerability is a weakness and that it's something shameful. NEVER allow yourself to be vulnerable, I learned. What a radical paradigm shift!

NVC in Rockford, Illinois

This past weekend (May 9-10) I was in Rockford, Illinois for a few NVC events. Rockford is a place that Marshall Rosenberg traveled to twice each year for 20 years during the time he was developing NVC while living in St. Louis, Missouri (my current hometown) and elsewhere in the 1970s and 1980s.

I led a 3-hour introduction to NVC on Friday evening, and asked for a show of hands of people in the room who had been with Marshall in person, and several people raised their hands and shared anecdotes of how they went to one of his trainings 30-some years ago. I was honored they had chosen to be with me that evening!

Driving through Rockford for three days was striking -- such poverty, abandoned and burned-out buildings, poverty abounds in this Midwestern town that depended on the manufacturing industry, most of which has moved to other countries.

I also experience warmth and kindness that moved my heart. One time, I was in a carload of people being driven by Steve Meyerhardt , NVC practitioner from Columbia, MO, and a man driving a taxi gave us directions while we were both driving down the road.

Another highlight of the weekend was a meeting on Saturday of the Alliance for Nonviolent Communication, a regional NVC organization based in the Midwest that was begun by Myra Walden from the Chicago area.

The group is becoming increasingly structured and I feel the momentum and energy building -- it's palpable. There were people in attendance from four states (Wisconsin, Missouri, Illinois, and Georgia), which included Mark Feinknopf and Cynthia Moe from the Atlanta, GA area, who provided some insight and guidance based upon their experiences with the Georgia Network for NVC and Compassionate Communication of Central Ohio.

Sometimes, even though I criss-cross the country sharing NVC, I feel such loneliness and long for NVC community that I can sink my teeth into. I was so nourished by heartfelt connections with others this past weekend!

shared NVC with social workers

Yesterday, I led a 3-hour session on NVC for a group of about 25 social workers in Southern Illinois. These folks were involved in situations where children were being abused, neglected, and otherwise treated in ways that are not in alignment with my view of love, caring and dignity.

I was struck by how much pain the social workers seemed to be in, both about how painful it was to see so many children experiencing these situations, but also how frustrating it was to not be experiencing support and partnership with their supervisors in the way that would enrich their lives.

Ironically, three months ago I led a day-long session for these very supervisors (about 45 of them!), who were in a lot of pain about how the people they supervised (social workers) were not responding to them in ways that they experienced partnership and cooperation.

I find this to be the case frequently -- that people who are seemingly in opposition to each other have the very same needs!

I provided empathy to several of the participants, and also used honesty in balance with that. This is a growing edge for me, because in the past I would have been more inclined to stay with empathy... and stay with empathy... and then stay with empathy some more... but I discovered that this wasn't meeting my need for balance, nor others' needs for learning and effectiveness.

I find that when I remain in either mode (listening with empathy to others, or expressing my own compassionate honesty) over and over, before long I feel a nagging uneasyness that urges me to shift over to the other mode. And of course, the third mode of self-empathy is something that I draw upon before, during and after in order to provide a solid foundation to remain in the empathy/honesty dialogs with others.

I am happy that I get to work with the supervisors again, as well as another group of social workers, over the next two weeks.

Financial abundance and Nonviolent Communication

This past weekend I led a 2-hour teleclass through the NVC Academy titled, "Creating a Successful and Sustainable NVC Business."

I have long been struck by the discrepancy I perceive between one of the underlying beliefs of NVC -- that of abundance consciousness -- and how many trainers and facilitators who wish to share NVC with others in a way that also brings them support and sustainability for their efforts.

In short, what I'm talking about is that we are teaching abundance consciousness and living poverty consciousness. I have discovered a number of limiting ("Jackal") beliefs in myself along these lines. Here are just a few examples:

* Money is the root of all evil;
* Spirituality and money are incompatible;
* To be spiritual is to eschew money and abundance;
* Wealthy people don't care about the needs of others, only about making more money (and destroying the environment in the process);

No wonder I struggled for years with financial security and stability when thoughts like these were running my mind!

My dream is for anyone and everyone who wishes to create a livelihood sharing NVC to be able to do so and meet their needs for support, sustainability, and even abundance! I'm talking about first getting to a place where our basic needs are met, and then creating enough abundance to have the resources to create NVC retreat centers, communities, and other endeavors to make NVC all the more available to people around the world.

For example, what if there was $3 million available to open 7 retreat centers in Eastern Europe, each of which had funding for bringing trainings into the medical profession, education and nursing? Or, what if we had $500,000 to do the same in India or other countries with an economy that prevents many people from being able to afford traveling places for NVC training?

Way Beyond "Anger Management"

What is Nonviolence?

The term "nonviolent" as we use it in Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is more than "not being physically violent". Nonviolence represents a way of being conscious with the accompanying intent in thought, word, and action. The two terms that are most related are the Sanskrit, "ahimsa", which means "harmlessness" and "satyagraha" which translates as "the force of truth". So the spirit of nonviolence means that when I am in contact with any life form, my message to that life, in thought, word, and action is, "I will not harm you. I will not violate the integrity of your being."

I am guided by my awareness of the force of truth, because I sense in the depth of my being that all human beings are only trying to fulfill life-giving, universal values and needs. When I see that, I know that when I hear any form of communication, no matter how hostile, critical, or judgmental it seems, that it is an attempt to express unmet needs, values, and desires. This awareness stimulates compassion, which I see as a prerequisite to and a result of nonviolent communication.

Compassion and nonviolence are not the same, but intimately related processes in deeply and authentically connecting. Nonviolent Communication offers a spirit and powerful tool for inspiring compassionate connections with oneself and others.

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I regret I do not know the author of this piece. If you know, I did not write this, please tell me and I will credit that person.

Depth NVC

I recently participated in a Nonviolent Communication training in Columbus, Ohio that included Robert Gonzales as one of the trainers. I feel deep gratitude to Robert for advancing the field of NVC, in my view, through his work with the Beauty of Needs and working with Core Jackal Beliefs.

The term that came to me when reflecting on Robert's teachings is "Depth Psychology," and I regard his training as, "Depth Nonviolent Communication." More than repetition of NVC skills, and even more than discovering more effective ways to share NVC with others, Robert is taking the process of NVC and using it for deep healing and transformation that goes deeper than any other NVC experiences I have ever seen.

Robert lives in Prescott, AZ, and trains with several other trainers through the NVC Training Institute.